Just remembered.

The day after thanksgiving.

High spirits, cough medicine, wine, family, friends.

Acting host, smiling, laughing, talking.

Visual contact- The Ring.

Mental rewind: Didn't I store that far, far away? How is it here? Now?

Frantic scanning.

"Lynde! Is this yours?"

"...No Laura. Tave gave that to you, didn't he?"


Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic.

Decision. Determination.

In an instant I'm outside, next to the woods I've always called my own.

A deep breath of the ice cold air.

A tear quietly slips down my cheek.

My arm winds up, pretending for a moment that I am a professional thrower.

The release.

The silver circle flies, in slow motion, through the air.

I don't see where it falls.

I don't want too.



I want it gone.

I want it all gone.

Update

Its been a while.

Things have been shifting, changing in my life.

Last week was R.O.U.G.H. I had a crazy ridiculous breakdown. I was so stressed, coming off of two weeks of eleven hour days plus the knowledge of the approaching 1 year anniversary of the Rape, plus some other crazy stuff, I just... melted.

Its okay though, I'm much better now. I'm slowly finding my way back. Back to the old Laura, the spiritual, whole, trusting, supported, joyful Laura I remember. But you know what? I think this time, I'm gonna end up better.

ponderings

it seems the more stable I become, the easier it is to forget the worst. but, similarly, its harder to talk about it. I almost cried today, talking about the rape. weird. that hasn't happened for MONTHS. huh.

Beautiful

In the formation of any new friendship there are stages: the introductions,the small talk, the awkward second meetings, the third hangout/beginnings of inside jokes.

And then, at some point, there is a moment.

A pure, beautiful, true moment.

That moment where everything clicks. Where, for some reason, things all make sense. It doesn't matter how you met, what your backgrounds are, or where you're going, all that matters in that moment is that you have a new friend. A real one. Someone whose got your back.

Its a moment of joy. Simple and holy.


Since I have moved to Ohio, I have been richly blessed by a group of people who, collectively, go by the name Poco A Poco. Individually, I have slowly but surely had these moments with people from the group. But tonight may have been the most meaningful and surreal night of my relationships with them.

Where else would a group of mid-twenties young adults be able to sit for upwards of 3 hours just talking about the good in each other?

It was beautiful. We are blessed.

Brave

I am Brave.

I am, I am, I am.

I have a story to tell, and I am slowly learning the way to tell it.

I have made a lot of choices in my life, who hasn't? A lot of good choices, a lot of bad choices. But lately, it seems, they have been good.

I couldn't even begin to tell you when my last bad day was. Do you know how huge that is for me?

I used to have bad days, everyday. I would wake up, and just not be able to get out of bed. Have no motivation to move, much less speak to anyone. And I would just lay there, in a ball, all day, until it was time to sleep again. Sleep was the hardest part though. It rarely came quickly. Fear of nightmares, too much to think about, loneliness, and the fear of who I would be in the morning, kept me awake. All hours of the night.

It was scary, not knowing who I'd be in the morning. I felt crazy. Maybe I'd be dead to the world, maybe I'd be manically and intensely happy, maybe I'd just be a shadow. It was basically a roll of the dice.

But I'm not there anymore.

I feel solid. I feel safe. I know how, and who I'll be in the morning. This doesn't mean that I don't expect to have bad days anymore, I know I will. But maybe, they wont be as bad?

I am so happy. I did so much for myself when I moved here, to Cincinnati. I gave myself permission to believe in Me. To trust Me. That simple and soul-wrenching choice, has totally altered me, my life, who I am.

Everything is falling into place, my life is coming together. I am healing. Really, and truly healing. I never, ever thought I'd say that now, I didn't really believe this day would come.


The tears flowed,
Her soul was cleansed,
A sigh to release the pain of the past,
A dream to lift her heart to the sun.

I will soar,
I will sing,
I will love,
I. Will. Last.

Revelation

So, I went Home this weekend.

It was amazing. The drive wasn't as bad-with a book on tape, the Wedding was beautiful, the bonfire was ridiculously fun, the quality time was priceless. But the best part? The best part was seeing how far I have come.

I felt so different at home this time. Relative to when I was living at home, I just, I feel so different. I mean yeah, this time has not been the easiest but at home I really got a sense of how much I have changed. I feel stronger, I am more confident, happier.

Guess what? I'm winning. :)

The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Itself.

"Really? Great, Now I'm afraid of fear too."

What are we most afraid of admitting about ourselves? What is that thing that we never want to own up too? What things are we hiding from ourselves that are actually holding us back?

Recently, I have been refraining from saying "I have trust issues". Cause, frankly, who doesn't? I don't want to be "that girl". The one that seems like I'm always whining, or trying to garner attention through my issues from my past.

But at Poco tonight, I heard some wise words that went something like this.

"I have trust issues. Not in the, I can't tell you a secret, sort of way. But in the, I don't want to get so involved that any of my emotional well being is wrapped up in you", sort of way. I don't want to care. I don't want to give you any part of me. I don't want to trust you not to hurt me."

That is so true. I can hang out with people, I can talk, joke, laugh, and be the best of everything. But I want them at an arms length.

Yeah, Its lonely. But let me tell you, at least I can rest easy knowing that the only person that has the chance to let me down is me.

Forgiveness

This is a concept I have really been thinking about lately. What does it mean to forgive? Is it even possible?

To forgive and forget, this seems to be the ultimate desire of those needing to be forgiven and the almost impossible feat for those who need to forgive. How can you ask someone to forget your transgressions? Yes,I may be able to let them go, but to forget them completely seems downright naive.

The only way I have been able to manage this incredible task is to block the hurt out completely; to act as if it never happened. I realize that this, perhaps, is not the healthiest way to go about things. But in my mind that has a sick need for perfection, this is the easiest way to accomplish it.

And so, *enter* THE WALL. Sometimes I feel like I don't even really exist. Like all there is of myself is WALL WALL WALL. Its a discouraging feeling. Last week, I didn't feel like a wall. I felt like an insane person. All week long, talking circles in my head. It was miserable.

I don't know where I was going with this.

Reality

What a strange thing it is, to think about Reality. After all, is there such a thing? How can we know that our 'realities' are correct or viable?

Anyhow, I think it is beginning to sink in, the fact that I have moved here. Its been a month. I'm homesick. I'm tired. And I'm depressed.

I can't find a job. And I really need one.

I'm bored with my life being all about me all the time. I need friends to care about, children to invest in. I miss being a part of something bigger.

I miss the comfort of sanctuary.

I don't want to give the wrong impression, I am VERY happy here. I know it is the best thing I have done for myself, since, ever. I'm just in a slumpity Slump. And it Sucks.

Bipolar

Its nights like tonight that I feel bipolar. I am sad, anxious, and lonely. I don't know why. I have absolutely no reason to be.

When I think back on the past two years, it literally brings me to my knees. My life has changed so much since then. I am drastically altered, forever marked.

I've spent a year of my life trying to get over him. Where am I now? Sitting in my bed, refusing to give into the urge to drink myself into a stupor. I hate him. Possibly more than I did in the beginning. Strike that, definitely more.

I remember that week after I ended things with him being the best week I've ever had. I felt so free, so empowered, I rejoiced. Then it all came crashing down. I needed to face it all, to accept what he did, who he was, what I became. But I didn't, wouldn't. I still can't, to some extent. I cannot face who I became because of him. It is everything in me I hate the most. The Anti-Miko, if you will. And the worst part is, I did it to myself. I let him break me, I let myself be divided from everyone that I hold dear. I took a leap off the cliff. I jumped far, and I jumped blindly. And I have been regretting that jump for too long.

I don't know how to get better. Perhaps I never will. But logically, I should be able to recover. After all, I was strong enough to leave. I just had to work up to it.

I still cannot believe I actually left him. After all that time, I don't know what made me do it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. The possibility of me ever loving someone as much as I loved him seems so impossible. I don't think I'll ever be able to give up that much control again.

Sigh. I wish I could be excited, about the "celebration"... but I'm not. I don't know what I am...

bipolar.

Rantings of the Insane

Dear Laura,

Lets take a moment and review. Why are you here? Why did you move?

Was the goal to allow yourself to retreat further into yourself than you have ever been? No. So why are we here?

You are so dependent, Laura. You portray yourself and such an independent. But you are lying to yourself. You need people. You always have. Yet you contradict yourself and isolate, isolate, isolate.

No wonder you are so miserable, babe. You set yourself up for failure over and over.

You use so many walls, sarcasm, haughtiness, self-sacrifice to move the spotlight from yourself. You long for a place that you are unafraid, uninhibited, undone. Where you can be yourself, scream and stand, I am woman, I am me. Roar to the wind, whisper to the leaves, love me, take me, keep me, save me.

Would it be so bad to be honest? Be real?

Must you employ these ruses to distract and detract from all that your soul yearns to know?

I know it is scary, and hard. You wonder if it is worth it, don't worry, I do too. Its probably not, how can it be? You trusted Tave, You chose him over your own flesh and blood. That ended in failure. You trusted Chris, who seemed harmless enough, and that ended in misery. How could it be worth it? Especially when your gut says no.

I know, I know there is something about these boys. A weird level of comfort, similar to the one you felt with Chris. Like they'll take care of you, look out for you. Its only natural you would be frightened. Everything you do is normal.

But is it going to be like this forever? Why must fear be your constant companion. Can we try to be brave again? Please? I miss us being brave and strong and naive and stupid.

You wanna know a secret? I'd give anything to go back. Anything. I can't see a better future. I can't see how this will come to good. I can talk a big talk, and I can walk a big walk, but I am so not there. I never have been.

I'm crazy. We're crazy. You're crazy. Writing letters to your/ourselves. This is how it is though, huh? Both of us, in our head, hammering it out, day by day.

I hope one day I love you again, actually, I'd settle for liking you. Or thinking you were worthy of anything.

Wow, this is long. And we wandered. All over the place. Surprise surprise.

Goodnight.

Miko

What is it about "Miko" that makes everything okay? Who is this person? Where did she come from?

I love her. She is everything that is best about me. She is brave, and happy. She is sweet, she does not have walls. I miss her, I want to be her. I need her back. I can't wait to be able to give a real hug to these people, my new friends. I want so much to be open to them. But I am so scared. ALL THE TIME. Wonderful people, truly wonderful people have entered my life. They are amazing, and all they do is love me. But I can't, don't know how, to love back.

Miko would, but Laura can't.

Its sad.

The First Person

I told the first person in Ohio my history. Its my friend Doug. He's a soon to be cop, and we were driving home from the bar. I told myself that i wasn't going to tell anyone about my history, so I could get a fresh start. But its too hard for me, living like i'm some big secret. I am a sharer.

I am so lonely sometimes.. I miss my mom a lot. I feel like I'm a stranger, just peeking in to other people's lives all the time. Sometimes, I really want a boyfriend, just to leach off of his friends and his life. But at the same time, I don't want to feel held back or tied down by someone.

Its hard, this moving thing. Harder than I thought it would be.

I am naive.

I am broken...

I am running...

Summertime

I can't believe how long it has been since it was summer. Like, for real. Thumping around in a brace/boot/cast, seems like such a long time ago. I don't know how or why I did that. I haven't done the hoedown throwdown in months. I miss having a purpose to everyday. I miss ice-cream sundae wednesday nights. Camp fires, s'mores bars. My girls. Oh, my girls.

lists

things i do easily:

get scared.
talk to myself.
cry.
get really wound up.
panic.
hate.
curl up on the couch for a whole day.
getting lost in cincinnati.
wanting to be back at camp.


things that are hard:

trusting.
showing weakness.
being patient.
forgiving myself.
forgiving others.
being reasonable.
being strong.
making friends.
going places by myself.
being homesick.
being TEAMsick.

One Week In

So, I don't really know where to start. I have been here in Cincy a week, and it has been good. I am happy with my living space, I am pleased with my life. Caitlin and Rachel have been wonderful. I just, I don't know what I'm doing. Still. I know things will come, but I'm tired of waiting. :(

I feel like I have been really bitchy since I got here, I really dislike my job. I feel like I'm constantly tagging along with Caitlin and Rachel. I've been really sassy and sarcastic because I don't know where I fit in. I'm lost.

It will be good. I know it will. I just have to be patient.

sigh

i have that feeling again; the despair, the fear of failure.

i feel like i should talk about it, but i don't want to.

so, goodnight.

awe geez

I would just like take this moment to say:

OH MY GOSH I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO BEFORE I GO! AGH!!

snapshots

surreal is the realization that your childhood idol is standing in front of you, with a beer in her hand, chatting with you like you're real friends... because you are.

sadness is the last few moments of an overdue reunion, standing in the parking lot, trying not to cry, stumbling over words that don't even need to be said, wishing with every fiber that you didn't have to leave...but you do.

happiness is sitting on a swinging bed, in the middle of the night, with a person you never thought would last this long in your life...but she has.

pain is seeing a missed call on your cell, realizing who it is from, flashing from panic, to anxiety, to confusion, to concern, hatred, pain... and then settling in hurt.

lonely is looking at the past and realizing it will never be the same....and it wont.

hope is the opportunity standing on the other side of a few days, waving at you, promising a better place...




i hurt. my whole body hurts. i have so much to do, but i don't want to move. because everything hurts.

darkness

I'm laying there in bed, simply reviewing my day ready for sleep.

Then it comes. The panic, the fear.

I'm moving.

I'm leaving.

EEEFFFFFFFFFF...


yeah.

panic.

musing

last day at mellow today. it was fine while it lasted. i'm not upset to be done though. you'd think i'd feel a weird sort of finality about it, seeing as now i'm unemployed till i move to cincy... i don't though...

i have been super depressed this week. i'm talking phone off, in bed, on couch, grumpy, hateful, sad from monday afternoon till thursday night. i don't know why. my therapist thinks its cause i'm repressing all of these emotions about moving, and leaving the fam and all that. she asked me if i thought so, and i told her i have no idea. its repressed right?

all i know is that i can't wait to be where i don't know everyone everywhere. i know i'm gonna probably miss it once i'm gone. but right now, i can't stand it.


"hey laura! how are you? its been a long time!"
"...hey..."

*hug*

"what have you been up too? i miss you so much!!"
"eh, not too much, just working mostly"
"oh, are you in school?"
"nope, just workin, about to move to cincy"
"ohhhh, so you're going to school in cincy"
"actually no, i'm just gonna be working."

*look of judgement*

"really??? why aren't you in school?"
"its kinda a long story, but yeah, i'm excited to move, and start fresh"
"okay... well... make sure you go back okay?"
"okay. i will."
"alright well i'll talk to you later! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!"
"yeah... love you back..."

*hug*




yeah, that happens at least three times a day in Franklin, awesome.


i'm going to see my friend flutter this weekend, i'm really excited about that. and ranger jane came and saw me at work today which was wonderful.

and my jaybug is in town.



in other news, i'm considering deleting my facebook and blog....

we'll see.

irritation

i feel like this blog and myself have both been super whiney and bratty lately.

its stupid, and not fixing anything.

so i'm gonna try to be more cheerful on here...starting.... tomorrow.

blergh

going through my history the past few days has been pretty therapeutic, i must say. though a lot of it has been bittersweet, and even painful with many many regrets.

the hardest one, I think, was a single entry written in a journal in March of 2009. In it, a letter to God. Questioning my relationship with Tave. Outlining all the questions that I still struggle with today. Stating all the facts that caused me to end it. 7. Months. Later. It took me so long. I knew, in March I knew, how bad he was for me. Why did it take me so long?

Well I'll tell you, its that quality in me that so many people "admire", the "best" thing about me. Its that thing I do... did... do, where when I love someone I commit. Fully. Completely.

Isn't it funny how the "best" thing about me, brought about my downfall?

If that was the best, what is the rest?

SEARCH

so I reread my old search letters tonight. not the greatest idea i've ever had. sigh.

they all talk about what a strong, confident, christian woman i am. how i will lead other people in ways that are good and strong. how i will not conform to societies expectations. how mature i am. how much i am loved because of all of these things. how, out of all the youth from st Philip, that i will be tested and come out triumphant.


you know what?

i failed.

i failed myself.

i failed everyone else.






awesome.

To You

I hope you know that I really, truly did love you. I hope you realize that I will not for a long time, if ever, love anyone the way I loved you. I hope you have come to terms with the fact that I never wanted to hurt you. I hope you see that I just couldn't take it. I wasn't strong enough. I hope that you know that deep down, in the depths of my soul, I still believe that, in your own way, you loved me back. And though the way you treated me didn't always reflect that, know that I do remember the good times. And that is what makes it all so hard.

I cannot wait till the day comes that I don't think about you.

Today

Today should have been the day that I started at MTSU. I cannot say how pleased I am that I did not.

For those of you that have not heard, I will not be returning to school this fall. Instead, I am moving to Ohio later on this month. I chose this path for many reasons. The main one being the fact that I need to get away. I need a fresh start. I am so tired of seeing the same people I've always seen, doing the same things I have always done, being the "same" Laura I have always been, and getting the same results I've always gotten.

It is not that I couldn't have gone back to MTSU. I could have, and I would have done just fine. Really. Yes, I probably would have not been the happiest I've ever been, but that would have been okay. The main reason I did not return to school is the fact that I was going back for the wrong reasons. I was going against my (bad) gut feeling, and sucking it up as some sort of "punishment" for my failure at Lambuth. I was going for the sake of NOT losing my Hope Scholarship. And I was going because it is what is expected. But after much deliberation, soul searching, and many talks with my parents, I decided that nothing, the money, the punishment, or the expectations, was worth risking my emotional well being at this point in my life.

So, for the next year (or however long), I will be spending time figuring out who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go, and how I fit in this big crazy world. I want to spend time just Being. I want to find that girl I remember being. I want to learn to be okay with who I am, how I deal with things. I need to learn to be confident in myself, in the choices I make, and the capabilities to take care of myself. I want to find stability and peace.

I have received so much support in this decision. It is truly incredible. Anytime I have started to feel like a college-drop out-loser, I have been encouraged by someone who finds the time to tell me they think I'm brave, or a reassuring hug from a friend.



Though I am more confident with this decision than I have been in a long time, I still struggle daily with my roller-coaster emotions. It is so bizarre to be in my head sometimes. Today alone I have felt severe guilt for hurting Tave by breaking up with him so suddenly, I have cried over the lost friendship with Sara, and I have wished sincerely that I would have made it/continued on at Lambuth. I have hated myself for the choices I made that allowed him to rape me, rejoiced in the solitude, and panicked at the sound of a cat scampering across the floor. I wish so deeply that I could control the range of my emotions. I am so exhausted all the time with all of the things going on in my head.

I feel myself pulling away from a lot of people. Especially people who stood by me during the past year. I don't know why. My therapist says its from the need to get away from things that remind me of the past, and maybe that is true. I don't want to be around people who treat me like I'm fragile, like I am going to need them to make it through the day. I am feeling stronger, more independent. More pigheaded (ha). I will make it. Won't I?

Won't I?

WON'T I?!

crisis

i feel like i'm running around in circles. the voices in my head have multiplied. they're yelling, arguing, cajoling. each to his or her own view point. all discussing one thing: what the hell am i going to do with my life?

do i go back to school? thus NOT giving up the hope scholarship?
do i just stay at home and bum it out working at mellow and camp?
do i move to cinci and take a break from life?

i can't get a job at a camp, work for americorps or the peace corps, or really do anything fulfilling without a b.s.

even my dad, my all knowing stubborn father, doesn't have the answers.


dammmmnnnniiiiitttttt

Announcement

I will not be returning to school this fall.

At the risk of being a total wash-up and failure, I make this choice.

I was returning for two reasons: 1. Because of the HOPE scholarship. 2. Because I felt/feel like I didn't/don't deserve to be happy. I fucked up so much at Lambuth that whatever I ended up doing this year, I deserved it; Even if I was completely miserable. I just needed to shut up, keep my head down, and move forward. Get that god-forsaken Bachelor's Degree out of the way so I could get on with my life. Here's how that would have ended up: I would have taken 18 hours, worked 30+, gotten involved with things so that it looked like I was living a fulfilling life, when, in reality, I would have become an alcoholic. I would be involved in things, but only on an administrative level. I would not have connected. Not been real. I would be drunk all the time. Functioning, but DRUNK. I do not deserve that life. I do not deserve that misery.


I deserve to be happy. or at least, manageable.



So, I'm researching options for the fall. Americorps, Camps, other places to live.

We'll see.

goodbye

i'm so scared to be alone.

i'm too scared to give up my solitude.



today was so hard.

the three people i feel the most myself around.

and the only person who was actually there through it all. who actually knows, with out me having to explain, what it was like when he yelled at me. how he tore me to pieces. how he broke me.


they're all gone.

i have one more day with my sister. then she'll be gone too.










therapy tomorrow.

don't. can't. won't,

i feel alone all the time.

but i do it to myself.

i know i do. i get it, i know exactly why i do everything. i have an intrapersonal intelligence. i may be messed up in all areas of my life, but trust me, i know why I do shit.

i'm just too scared, or too messed up, to fix it.


i can't. i won't. i don't.




thanks anyway.


i'm fine.

shaken.

just as i feel like i'm stable.
just as i feel i have real support.
just as i feel like laura, the real laura, is coming back.

i sink.

i fall.

into darkness, confusion, submission.

you are worthless, my demons tell me.

that was your chance, its gone.

plod, plod, plod, plod, plod, forward, onward, miserable oblivion.

'you have hope' she says. 'you will find friends' she says.

i don't, i can't, i wont.

i am too scared.
i am too lost.
i am too unworthy.

what if i try to love them and they fail me?

more importantly...

what if they try to love me, and i fail them?

i did it.

i wore the dress.

the one i wore that night.

i didn't need to burn it.

i didn't need to get wasted.

i didn't need to cry.


i just wore it. and i am okay.

victory.

shocking

it is shocking how much deciding to no longer attend therapy has affected me. i am so much more stable, and *happy*. I think it is mostly because i know i can just push it all away and not have to deal with it again for a very long time if i like. plus, going to therapy gave me too much validation. like, i think it made everything seem like way more of a big deal. and that comes from respecting the opinion of my therapist a little too much, i think.

i'm just laura. a little crazy, a lot broken. but damn well pretending that everything is okay. and committed to pushing through until it all comes together. no belief left in humanity. little hope left in the world. with the knowledge that even she will disappoint herself. just a broken-hearted dreamer, with no song left to sing. but with a soul that wont stop shining, and hope still whispering.

i don't want to go.

don't make me.

where am i?

regression?
progression?

is it possible to do both at the same time?

i'm back to waves. waves of peace, waves of happiness, waves of complete mourning, of hatred, of depression, apathy, joy, anger, loss.

i'm fine.

i'm always fine.

out of control

so i almost cried today while talking to dad. yeah. i know.

i'm just so freaked out by the upcoming year. i don't think i'll be able to make friends. my trust issues are so severe i can't even trust the people in my life i'm dying to. i scare myself. i do too good of a job keeping myself isolated. putting up a fake front. cause if, actually, when people betray or attack me at least they'll be attacking a false reality. not who i really am. who wants the real me anyway? i don't even know who that is. and i'm pretty sure she's not worth knowing. she's weak and she's naive. she trusts too much. she can't take care of herself.

ugh.

fuck you therapy.

this is why

i don't talk to people.

i don't open up.

i don't date.


people are unreliable.

i can't even allow myself to trust the people i want too.

what if they wont love me any more?

what if my problems are too much, they can't, or wont, care.




isolation hurts. but at least its safe.

i wish she realized

how much what she says means to me.

"you aren't much to live up too"


you're right.

i'm not.

love,

I used to believe that I was born to love.

I believed that this was my purpose on the earth. And I strove to fulfill that purpose with every ounce of my soul. I did a good job, I think. I loved- completely, wholly, purposefully- without ceasing. Anyone. Everyone. I loved the old man in the gutter. I loved the grouchy woman in the grocery store. I loved my best friend. I loved my worst enemy. I honestly hurt if someone was in pain. I cried with friends, strangers, even the movie Tarzan.

If ever I was backstabbed, betrayed, disappointed, or rejected, it was like my world was ending. I literally could not handle it. For many years I was on a self-imposed emotional rollercoaster. Love, love, love, betrayal, depression. A terrible cycle, repeated more times than I care to recount.

Then came Tave.
He taught me his version of love, and for a while I bought into it. He manipulated me, used my trust and love against me. He broke me.

And so I stopped. I quit caring. I just didn't give a damn about anyone, not even myself. I did so much damage to my well being during this time, still feeding myself the lies he taught me. Still thinking I was worth so little that I couldn't possibly deserve to be loved, much less be good enough to share my love with the world.

I'm changing again though. I have found/made/reinstated friends that truly love me, for me. That accept my love, what of it there is to give. They understand trust, honesty, and faithfulness. More importantly, they understand pain, loss, hurt, and desperation.

It is terrifying and incredibly painful but,

I'm learning to love again.


I do not live to love, no. Rather, I love, that I may truly live.

gosh.

this weekend really freaked me out.

i feel like i don't even know who i am right now.

and i'm so, so tired.

so.

here's the thing about drinking.

i like to do it as much as the next person. as a way to relax, a way to think of something else.

after this most recent episode, i've come to realize that drinking no longer provides me the escape i long for. it only opens up my mind to release all that i've been hiding.

in recent times, i never was a crying drunk. those times have changed, and i don't like it.

so, abstaining again.

Pain

I'm scared.

That I've messed everything up. That I will never truly get over all of this.

I'm frightened.

That he was right. That maybe I never really was good enough for anything.

I'm afraid.

That I'm too good at lying to myself. That all my barriers will eventually end me.


I just want to be okay.
Why is that so hard today?
I work and play and laugh and pray,
Why does it feel like a big charade?

I want to know the sun will shine,
to feel a freedom so sublime,
to believe that peace will come in time,
To know that He still claims me, "Mine".

Give me wisdom from whence to know You,
Give me a heart with an understanding view,
Give me forgiveness loving and true,
Help me find comfort in simply, only, You.

one bad thing about the healing process

is that i can't not care any more...

i'm not brave enough to hurt him.

Quitter

I'm not a quitter. I don't stop doing things i set out to do.

I think that is why Lambuth still hangs over me.

Fail.

Bravery

is straightening your hair for the first time since the night you were raped.




EDIT:
guess who is a coward??

Its been a while.

Sorry I've been gone. I haven't forsaken you, loyal reader. I just... I've been doing a really good job of distracting myself.

"You have a precious gift, given to you through baptism. The gift of the Holy Spirit, The Great Comforter, lies within you. All you must do is ask for healing, and healing will be found"

I'm so prideful. Auntie M, says its something I have to work on. I agree with her I suppose. I don't ask for help. I don't admit that I'm lost (emotionally, not literally). It really boils down to the fact that I don't trust, and I don't like to admit I'm weak.

Sweet.


Bed.

and it hits

today... it hit me. again.

i was polishing silverware. thinking about nothing. letting my mind wander. and all of a sudden it hit me. i was raped.

i.

was.

raped.


i'm that girl. the one you feel sorry for. the one that will never be you. the one you don't know how to talk to. the one you feel like you have to share your story with.

i'm her.


i wish i could cry. just open up and let it out.


i cried for a little while at therapy this week. i didn't even realize i was going too until i did, and even then, it was kinda an out of body experience.

i want to cry, and i want to feel it.


the only time i wish for a drink these days is to just free me from myself so i can let it all out.

Let Go

Laura.

You've got to let go. If they don't care enough to drop him, They don't care enough to be your friend. Let Go.

You can't keep dwelling.

Let go.



Please, you're killing yourself. I hate to see it.

Let Go.

Freedom

God,

Grant me freedom.
Take these chains that entangle my soul.
Share with me the hope that I so long for.


Let me forgive.
Let me forget.
Grant me reprieve.
End this constant upset.

I want a life back,
filled with joy and no cares.
A relationship with You
free from tangles and snares.

God grant me freedom,
save me from myself.

New for Me.

You don't get it.
You don't know.

I'm back to high school. My whole body is consumed with bitterness and negativity. My heart, soul, mind and thoughts. The thoughts I have are uncontrollable, of worthlessness, degradation, self-hatred, self-loathing.

I am irresponsible.

I deserved this.

It's not his fault.

I did this to myself.

If I had taken care of myself...

If I had listened to my upbringing...

If I hadn't let him hurt me...

If I hadn't quit caring about Laura.


This is new for you?! It is new for me. EVERYDAY IT IS NEW FOR ME.

You know how in movies sometimes people talk about that moment when they first wake up and they've forgotten everything? They talk about how it is the best part of the day, and then they remember. They remember the trauma: rape, kidnapping, murder, loss. But, at least they had that moment. That moment of Peace.

I don't get that moment. I remember, constantly, all the time. It is always on my mind. I want to use it as an excuse to just quit everything. I want to just sit in my room and stare at the wall. I'm too prideful for that. That is not how Laura is 'supposed' to act.

So I keep going. Dark thoughts consuming me always. Even the moments that seem happiest, I have a flashback, and there I go. Right back to the pain.

I don't mean to complain.

I just wanted you to know.

Take Back the Night

I never understood why one of the prevelant anti-sexual abuse and assault groups is called "take back the night". I understand now. Night is the time I feel most vulnerable, most alone. I can schedule and plan and distract every moment of my day, but I still always have to go home. The long drive alone, the silence of the house, my thoughts. It is the time I dread most. I crave company, ditraction. I don't want to talk, I just want to be; to be not alone.

I hate him. I hate him for a million different reasons. I cannot wait for him to get out of my head, get out of my system, get out of my life. I cannot wait for the ability to do things that I love without a memory or flashback permeating the experience. I want to be able to live again. Freely.

Lord. Bring me a new heart, and a new soul. Bless me. Hold Me. Love me.

there's an ache in my heart, an ache in my soul.
thirsting, yearning, waiting to be healed.

wont You heal me? wont You take my pain away?

i hurt deep within. a pain undiminished by distractions or illusions.
the only way is to avoid it. schedule every minute, every moment of my day.
if things get too quiet, if i am left alone to long, it returns, like a fiery demon, engulfing my spirit.

WHO ARE YOU

i feel like i don't even know myself right now

Why can't I just stay happy?


I think I don't feel safe enough to cry. I don't trust myself enough.

Panic.

The hardest is the panic. Its the loss of control. The feeling of chaos. The lack of comfort. It strikes at the most vulnerable moments of my day.

I flashback, I think he's yelling at me when its really nothing, I feel controlled when it is support, I fear commitment when stability is what I long for. I have to fight so hard to not self sabotage. It is instinctual sometimes.

I get so afraid that I can't trust my judgment. I have trust issues with my own happiness. I can't believe that I truly am happy, or content. I think I must be running, repressing, hiding.

Thankful

I have been thinking this morning about the lifestyle I had at Lambuth. Thinking back on it, I can't believe the immaturity, irrationality, and selfishness I displayed while living there. The friends that I had, the people I was surrounded by, and the choices I made were not me: just not my style. I am so thankful that out of something as traumatic as the rape, God shed the terrible environment I was in, and brought me home to a network of hope, love and support. Yes, it sucked to be betrayed by Sara and Chris. But honestly, I didn't need either of those people in my life any more. They were not true friends, they did not look out for my well being, they just used me for my company and good humor.

God is so incredible. Everywhere I turn this week, I see new blessings. Even in my darkest days I see hope, I no longer feel that the darkness within me is untouchable.

I met with a new therapist on Monday. She is fantastic. I'm so excited to work with her and get all of this crap cleared up. The best thing she said to me was at the very end of the session she looked me in the eye and said: "I want you to know that I have great hope for you, Laura. I don't forsee years of therapy ahead of you. I think it will be very difficult, but we can get through this before even a year is out." THAT MAKES ME SO EXCITED.

ugh.

mom.

why didn't we think this one through?

Control.

Fun fact: I have to be in control. At all times. I manipulate and coerce, adjust and restructure until I feel that I have absolute control of a situation. I don't mean to be this way, but I absolutely am. It is the main area I see the most manifestation of change from the rape. If I feel out of control, I panic, I shut down, I break down, I lose it.

This is going to be the hardest thing to let go on, I know it. I have to work on it though, its affecting every aspect of my life.

Gosh, this is hard.

Be Okay

You know what?

I'm allowed to cry.

You wanna know why?

Because I got screwed over by a lot of people I trusted, a lot. Because I have been used, abused, and abandoned. Because I am hurt and I am broken.

You know what else?

I AM going to be okay.

You wanna know why?

Because I have many, many people who truly love me: who honestly want what's best for me, who would give anything to see me feel better. Because I will give myself time to heal. Because I will understand that this will NEVER really go away. Because I will forgive. Because I am Resilient.

Game Time

Whew, I have made a lot of big decisions this week. Decisions about the fall, decisions about the summer, decisions about next week. I'm a little worn out. but its good i'm doing all this.

WAP looked at me the other day and said: "La Mia, I know you are looking toward the future because in the future you'll feel better, but you'll never feel better in the future if you don't deal with your stuff now. You have to take it out and talk about it, fume about it, cry about it, and beat it to a pulp. Then you have to cast it in the shadows. Don't try to lock it away, cause if you do that you haven't really healed it. Just send it to the shadows, it will always be there, but it wont be what your life revolves around."
She's right. I know she is.



I'm not going to Cincy this summer. I'm disappointed about it, but I just really need to find a good therapist and be going consistently. :-/

Running

I feel like I'm always running from something, without even meaning too.

What do I do with my life?

Do I go to Cinci this summer?
Do I get a new therapist?
Do I focus on the future?
Do I dwell on the past?
How do I even find the past?

I scare myself.

I love Mondays

When I don't crash. I've had a lovely day. I woke up late, got up, made come curried chicken salad, went and tanned/layed out in the back yard with Lynde for a few hours, decided what I'm doing in the fall, worked on getting my HOPE back, and applied for school and my transcript transfers. I know, I was proud too. Now, tonight, I'm going out with WAP. And I'm quite excited because I miss her a lot.

Yesterday was a really good day too. All the cousins were here, and the entire family. It was wonderful. I love Bracey so much. Then we celebrated Landon's birthday and then Scotty and Michael and Courtney and some other guys came over for a bonfire. The weather was beautiful, the company was excellent...

Dear God,
Please don't let me crash this week.

Love,
Laura

sooo...

i'm really good at repressing stuff. i think that's the hardest part of healing for me, especially in the situation with tave. everytime i think i've let go, i've forgiven him for what he did and how he treated me, i remember something about the relationship that just makes me sick. and its hard to process, because i process through talking. but i feel like everyone is tired of hearing about him, and about how bad it was. i'm like a broken record, and the fact that it lasted so long is all my fault.

i don't know what to say today.

i'm happy.

i'm content.

i'm tired.

waiting.

I feel like I'm just spending a lot of time waiting for the future. They say time heals all wounds. I wish it would hurry up and heal mine.

Have I really missed 2 days this week?

Alright, Real legit update time. I took notes and have an outline so be prepared.

1.Therapy

Alright, its official, I'm quitting therapy. Well, at least, I'm quitting my therapist. She just, she's nice and sweet and we get a long. But I manipulate the sessions, I know I do. I'm afraid to actually delve into anything worthwhile, so I manipulate it all. I TOLD her I would do this, and she assured me it wouldn't happen. But it has the last 3 times. So, its just not worth the money. I came to this realization after my session last monday when I didn't even talk to her about anything I ought to have, but then I spent the rest of the day going to talk to Lynde, Courtney, and Anna about the stuff I needed too. Speaking of Anna, wow. What a blessing she has been. It is SO different talking to her than it has been talking to anyone else. She just, She gets it. Easily. Simply. She knows how I'm feeling by the two words I can manage to spit out. Its incredible. What a blessing.

2.Awakening

This past weekend I had a really good one. I felt like a new person. I got my room completely unpacked, I had a wonderful day Sunday, and Monday wasn't as miserable as it usually is. I'm having longer periods of happiness. I don't know if this is really too much of an improvement because the days that I crash, I crash really hard. Like yesterday, I just felt like laying in bed and crying all day, for no reason. But I went to work, and nothing went right. By the time Mom and Dad came by, I was in tears. But I got to sit with them a while and things were better. I'm excited about feeling happier more. Though I'm not really sure if its healing or repression. I have to be careful about that, my skill at repressing is frightening to me.

3.Time Lapse (Work/Home)

Michael asked me the other day how long it has been since the actual rape. It's only been 47 days. That is so much shorter of a time than it feels like. It feels like years, lifetimes have passed. But no, Its just 1.5 months. Work has over all been really good. I like the people I work with and the environment is healthy and supportive. Lyn is the only one there (besides Lynde) who knows about everything. She's a sweetheart. I'm thankful to have the friend. Living at home has been so much easier than I thought it would be. I have my moments when I'm really frustrated about not having my own place, but over all its really really good.

4.Healing

I've decided that I am, in fact, healing. This is hard to explain, but throughout my relationship with Tave and in all the months following up to a few days ago, I seesawed between two states of being. Although, on the surface I could feel shallow emotions in response to events, deeply I either felt completely empty and void of anything or like my heart was slowly dying. Since the rape, the latter of these emotions had been almost constant. Just a deep ache, so resonant it felt like I would feel that forever until my life physically ended, just as my soul's life had. Not a good feeling. A few days ago though, a new feeling entered the mix. It still hurts, but its a different type of pain. Not deathly and horrid, its more positive; like a growing pain, or when you step into the sunlight from the dark and your eyes are painfully blinded, but you know it is for the best. This scares me, and it excites me. I still have my days(yesterday) where I feel empty, but at least there is some change.


There are a lot of things changing in my life, and a lot of them for the better. I'm learning to see the big picture, learning to let go. The hardest part for me is talking about stuff that actually really matters. But I've been practicing. Little steps at a time.

Be patient with Laura. Be patient with Laura. Be patient with Laura.

Everything. Everything I do is Normal.

Healing.

Lord Jesus,
through the power of the Holy Spirit, go back into my memory as I sleep.

Every hurt that has ever been done to me, heal that hurt. Every hurt that I have ever caused another person, heal that hurt.

All the relationships that have been damaged in my whole life that I am not aware of , heal those relationships.

But, O Lord, if there is anything that I need to do, If I need to go to a person because he or she is still suffering from my hand, bring to my awareness that person. I choose to forgive, and I ask to be forgiven.

Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart, Lord, and fill the empty spaces with your love.

Amen.

I feel so accomplished

I finally cleaned my room today. I'm totally unpacked and moved in. You can see my floor. Its nearly utopian!

Hurray Productivity!

Tonight

I saw him. Well, it wasn't really him, but the point is, I thought it was.

I don't know what else to say.

It was awful.

Thank God for Scott.

musing

i haven't written anything meaningful lately.

nothing life changing.

nothing like a breakthrough.

i don't feel like i have moved forward at all. conversely, i don't feel that i'm regressing either. i just feel that i am moving back and forth horizontally. pacing my same path, discussing my same situation, reassuring my same sanity over and over and over again.

i hate this part.

i really wish that i could just move on. repress repress repress. move on. be happy again. sucks that it doesn't work that way.

A Blessing.

A blessing has come into my life, in the form of a friend.

I am so thankful.

And so incredibly blessed.

It's just different.

When people actually have been through what I've been through.

When they know exactly how I'm feeling.

When they know that nothing they can say will really make it better.

When they know how much I hurt every second of every day.

When they aren't interested only to make themselves feel like better friends.

There is a sincerity, an honesty, a hope.

It is just different.

Be Okay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU3472bvdHI

I hate it when...

I have something to say, and no one cares. I hate it more when I have something to say and it gets discounted by "are you on your period?" or "you're really exhausted aren't you?"

I hate it when I see things are wrong, and I try to help, but, because of my past I get discounted.

I hate that I care.

I hate that you wont leave me alone.

I hate that I can't stand to be by myself.

I hate that nothing seems to be getting better, really.

I hate that I hurt.. so much.

I hate that I can't trust any more.

I hate that you don't understand how vulnerable you make yourself.

I hate being judged.



I'm sad today.

Dear World

Hurt Less.

Love,
Laura

hmmm

i don't understand a lot of what is going on within me. it freaks me out. i think the worst part is that any time i get close to talking about something *real* with someone, i start to have a panic attack. now, this does not count just discussing the rape, or the abuse, or the estrangement. this means actually talking about feelings. or... i don't even know. but its hard, especially when i don't know it is coming. sigh...

gravity is drifting away from me...

so therapy tends to really wear me out....

note to self, never schedule an appointment right before work. HA.

Laura....

would like a little more stability in her emotional state. okay? thanks.

Pick.

Alright, so, remember when we first broke up? And you were friends with both of us, and you didn't know whose side to pick? Remember when I was the better friend and told you that you didn't have to pick? Remember that I told you it didn't matter to me, because our business wasn't your business? Remember that you completely embraced what I said? Remember how you tell me all the time that we're gonna end up back together someday?

Well. I hate to tell you this way. BUT I LIED.

I didn't want you to pick. I needed you too. Don't you realize that by still being his friend you validate him? You show him that even though you know all about what happened, you still accept him. And that its okay.

Well guess what. It isn't okay. It wont be okay. It was never okay.

By not picking, you picked. And yes, I still love you, because I'm a MORON. But just know, you hurt me every time I see, hear, or know about your contact with him.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to have to say this. But I'm sick of swallowing my feelings. I've gotta fight for me; Cause no one else can.

Wow.

A dear old friend of mine sent this to me just now, and it is awesome. It is an Editorial by Eve Ensler. This is incredible. Enjoy!

Dear Emotional Creature:
I believe in you. I believe in your authenticity, your uniqueness, your intensity, your wildness. I love the way you dye your hair purple, or hike up your short skirt, or blare your music while you lip-synch every single memorized lyric. I love your restlessness and your hunger. You possess the energy that, if unleashed, could transform, inspire and heal the world.
Everyone seems to have a certain way they want you to be-your mother, father, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, boyfriends, fashion gurus, celebrities, girlfriends. In reporting my new book, I learned a very disturbing statistic: 74 percent of young women say they are under pressure to please everyone.
I have done a lot of thinking about what it means to please: to be the wish or will of somebody other than yourself. To please the fashion setters, we starve ourselves. To please men, we push ourselves when we aren't ready. To please our parents, we become insane over-achievers. If you are trying to please, how do you take responsibility for your own needs? How do you even know what your own needs are? The act of pleasing makes everything murky. We lose track of ourselves. We stop uttering declaratory sentences. We stop directing our lives. We forget what we know. We make everything OK rather than real.
I have had the good fortune to travel around the world. Everywhere I meet teenage girls and women giggling, laughing as they walk country roads or hang out on city streets. Electric girls. I see how their lives get hijacked, how their opinions and desires get denied and undone. So many of the women I have met are still struggling late into their lives to know their desires, to find their way.
Instead of trying to please, this is a challenge to provoke, to dare, to satisfy your own imagination and appetite. To take responsibility for who you are, to engage. Listen to the voice inside you that might want something different. It's a call to your original self, to move at your own speed, to walk with your step, to wear your color.
When I was your age, I didn't know how to live as an emotional creature. I felt like an alien. I still do a lot of the time. I am older now. I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be OK with being different, with being this alive, this intense. I just don't want you to have to wait that long.
Love,
Eve Ensler

Rough Day

I feel like this is a blog of doom and gloom.

And maybe I should quit.

Ugh.

Sleep Patterns

I know that this weekend was wonderful, because everynight I had no issue falling asleep. Whether I was on Ivy's couch or Slushie's... ahem...(floor) ;-) I slept without any of my usual restlessness or anxiety. That is, until last night. Last night it was worse than ever. It literally felt like there was a huge hand wrapped around my chest and someone was squeezing. Squeezing to the point where I could still breathe, but barely. Not fun.

I worry about things that I feel. Really, I just worry because I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm too good at repressing. Not feeling.

This is a Blog to say that I have blogged today.

hurray.

Ha.

It tickles me when I remember why I ended things with you. It is so easy for me to fall back into the trap of wanting familiarity and understanding from someone who knew me so well. But I deserve better than you. I deserve more than you. The fact that you can look at me now and take delight in my misery is proof that it needed to be over. I wish I could find you, look you in the eye and tell you I was raped. I wonder what your reaction would be. Anger? Humor? Condescension? I know you're going to find out sooner or later, I wish I could be there. I want you to know that I've added you to the ever growing list of people that I wish I could hate. And I accomplish it sometimes, in fleeting moments of rage that I long to be able to fall into. To dwell in my anger of what you did to me. But I'm not like that, I never have been; And you know it. That is why you were able to take advantage of me for as long as you did. I can't hate. I forgive too easily. And, ironically, I hate myself for it. My whole life I've gotten screwed, over and over and over again, by people like you. The cycle will never stop. I just have to harden myself.

I have moments where I say things: I say things that I believe deeply and ardently, but they are filled with bitterness and hatred. It never fails to surprise me how broken I really am. I am learning that I will continue to love, to forgive, to get my heartbroken, but nothing surprises me any more. I assume that guys are terrible before they even introduce themselves. I assume that they just want my body. I'm overly protective of my girl friends. Especially the ones I consider naive. I am torn over whether to tell them all I know and disillusion them or just to protect their utopian ignorance. I normally fall for the latter; only because I believe life will teach you what you need to know.

Best Love

God sure knows what he's doing. I needed to be with my darling friends so desperately this weekend, and He knew.

I love it.

Knoxville

I am loving being on vaycay. :) Ivy is so wonderful and the most pure precious person I know. It is so comforting to have a good and loyal friend with me. It also makes me hurt. I more acutely feel the loneliness of home when I'm here, and the betrayal of friends I trusted. I think I'm wearing out. I can't hold it together much longer.

I feel like I've been on a crazy roller-coaster all day. I've had really really high moments of excitement and joy from being around people I love, and then moments where I'm just going to melt to the ground and weep. Sigh.

Breach of Friendship.

Some people just make me so angry/upset/hurt.

You were supposed to be my best friend, the one I could turn too. How can you ignore what happened and STILL be friends with him?! Why can't I hate him, but hating you comes so easily?

I'm so sick of all of this. I'M SO SICK OF ALL OF THIS.

A lot in My Head, A lot on My Heart

Well, I admit it. I'm lonely. I have been shying away from my peer group; I don't trust my instincts around them, I don't trust the way they will act around me. But I miss having people to hang out with all the time.

I auditioned for a show in Brentwood. Now's the sucky waiting part.

I'm going to visit IVY and SLUSHIE tomorrow!

I don't know what else to say. I'm not feeling very deep lately.

whew.

I'm worn out!

I'm about to try to have an early night again. More updates later.

Productivity is Key.

So I got up at an hour my mother would call 'reasonable' (but I would call ungodly) today. And I quickly reviewed my Theater Resume, printed out a head shot, got dressed and went on my way to Circle Player's auditions for "To Kill a Mockingbird". After about an hours worth of driving and being lost, I realized that I was NOT the right age for the show and I was NOT willing to drive that far to rehearsal every day... so I gave up and came home.

On the way home, however, I stopped by the new tea-room, Homestead Manor, and ended up picking up an application. I took it home and then brought it back, completed, several hours later and was hired on the spot! Praise the Lord for small blessings. If only all Job applications and hirings were so easy. Mom always reminds my to keep my prayers specific, and on my way in i whispered "Dear God, Please let them be hiring a cute, 20 year old Laura. Love, Me" And they were! Hurrah!

Now i have just gotten home from dear EAP's house (Evil Aunt Pat, for those that don't know) and I'm going to shower before curing up in bed with my book. I'm rather worn out and ecstatic about it.

Blessings to you all.

I know its the 6th

But we're gonna count this one as the 5th.

I just had the best evening with Scott Williams. I am so thankful and blessed to have quality people, especially guys, in my life that show me that giving up on humanity is not the answer to my problems. I am reminded of this daily; and that, my friends, is incredible.

That is all.

Hmmm

The thing I hate the most about all of this, is that I have not found it in me to hate him. I worry about him, knowing his parents aren't too supportive, having to face all of this alone. I feel terrible for putting him through all this, as if it is somehow all my fault. I have nightmares about being raped, but it is never by him. It is a literal mental block. In that aspect, I wish that it had all happened the way it is "supposed to happen"- violently, by someone unknown to me. He was my friend, I trusted him implicitly.

After this past year, my trust in my own judgment of people has changed unalterably. I'm too nice, too forgiving, too trusting. I like to pretend that I'm super jaded and mean and pessimistic. But honestly, I'm not. As long as someone hangs around just long enough to get past that thin veneer then I'm loyal as a puppy dog; its frustrating.

I don't know where to put all my stuff. There just isn't room in my room!

Alright, thats the update for today.

Relief.

Wow. I am so happy that today is OVER.

I'll give more details later, but he has been suspended until spring 2011. In order to be eligible to return he must meet several requirements including attending counseling and two papers.

I am exhausted, drained, a whirlwind of emotion. But, I'm thankful that this is over. And that I am Home.

Thank you so so so much for the prayers.

I love you.

overwhelmed.

I have SO MUCH left to do today.

Finish packing
Withdraw
Quit 2 jobs
Attend the Hearing
Load the Car
Check out of my Room
Say Goodbye

Hopefully withdrawing wont take that long??

I'm so over today. I don't feel like it.

I quit.

Lambuth Blues

So I'm back at Lambuth. Woo.

If anyone was worried about me coming back and wanting to stay, lay your worries aside. I love my friends here, I do. But I recognize that we're all just super friendly cause its my Last Night. Ha.

Packing SUCKS.

Prayers tomorrow please, The Hearing is at 2:30.


Thank You.

almost missed today.

not a very good day emotionally.

back to feeling dead. listless.

i don't feel like writing more.

letdown

I didn't realize how much i was looking forward to the hearing being over until it was canceled.

Due to inclement weather, Lambuth University will be closed tomorrow. Thus his hearing will be postponed.

Bummer.

I have been blessed With so much more than I deserve

This is day 3 that I have felt an inner peace, a calm. I know that the emotional storm is coming, but I'm not as scared as I have been. I am incredibly lucky, incredibly blessed. God and I have not really been on the best terms lately, but I know for a fact that he has placed people in my life for this precise time. And it leaves me in awe. The amount of support I have received is unfathomable. I am loved and I am cherished.

I have a feeling the next 36 hours are going to be killer. I have to write both of my statements for the hearing tomorrow, then I have to actually go to the hearing. Then from there on out I have to pack, quit, withdraw, goodbye, move, unpack, settle, apply, audition, attend therapy and move on.

To Do Today:
Statement 1
Statement 2
Clean/organize my bedroom
Try to get Off the Hill

Because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

I guess I should start out by announcing that I will be withdrawing from Lambuth University on Wednesday. I love Lambuth. I really, really do. I love my professors, I love the administration, I love all that the University stands for. But where they are in their journey, and where I am in mine just does not allow for my personal growth. Many people have said that it is a shame, because I was doing such great things for Lambuth. To be sure, I have loved the amount of involvement I have been able to accomplish at Lambuth; however, I am not paying upwards of $28,000 a year to work for a school. I need to be somewhere that will challenge me academically, socially, spiritually, and emotionally. I don't need to be at a school where I continue to live the 'big fish-small pond' life that I have had since High-school. As such, I'm taking the opportunity this recent trauma has provided and I'm 'jumping off the deep end' and I am moving home.

My time at Lambuth put me through the ringer, that is for sure. A bad relationship, a period of semi-estrangement from my family, partying, over-commitment, and finally, rape, has left me burnt out and completely different then the girl who walked beneath the Lambuth Gateway a mere 16 months ago. Honestly, I have gained a lot from my time at Lambuth. I've loved, I've laughed, I've learned, I've lost, and I have grown up a lot.

I am so excited to feel like my real self again. In that sense, moving home could be the best decision I've ever made. I want to reincorporate dance, theater, work, and true friends. I want to get involved in Parish life again. Conversely, I'm afraid it will make me stagnate. I will just wallow in the pain, work myself to death, and nothing will get better. I guess that there was a better chance of that happening at Lambuth though.

I am so thankful that I went back to school last week. Cheryl was fantastic, just what i needed to make it through the week. She was the validation that it was okay NOT to go to my meetings, NOT to attend class, that I AM normal, that I AM okay. She pushed me enough to get my necessities out of the way, to delegate all of my normal activities and then encouraged me and congratulated on anything that I pulled myself together enough to do. From putting on make-up to attending to Caf, she was there. What an incredible blessing.

Libby and I were watching SHAC's production of "Fiddler on the Roof" from the summer before my sophomore year. What a good time. :) Such a long time ago, but to me it seems like the start of the fall. Sophomore year was my hardest year in high-school. Everything after that seemed like it was healing. I don't even remember Junior Year. Senior year was good... Well second semester was good. And so far College has just been hard. I don't want to say that I want to go back, because I don't. (Well, I kinda do) But I need to find out where I am, and where I'm headed. I need time to heal. I need time to go back to the basics of what makes me happy. I need to not run away from my issues.

Anyhow, part of my plan for moving home it to write/blog everyday. That way I'm keeping track of myself.

Ciao