Because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

I guess I should start out by announcing that I will be withdrawing from Lambuth University on Wednesday. I love Lambuth. I really, really do. I love my professors, I love the administration, I love all that the University stands for. But where they are in their journey, and where I am in mine just does not allow for my personal growth. Many people have said that it is a shame, because I was doing such great things for Lambuth. To be sure, I have loved the amount of involvement I have been able to accomplish at Lambuth; however, I am not paying upwards of $28,000 a year to work for a school. I need to be somewhere that will challenge me academically, socially, spiritually, and emotionally. I don't need to be at a school where I continue to live the 'big fish-small pond' life that I have had since High-school. As such, I'm taking the opportunity this recent trauma has provided and I'm 'jumping off the deep end' and I am moving home.

My time at Lambuth put me through the ringer, that is for sure. A bad relationship, a period of semi-estrangement from my family, partying, over-commitment, and finally, rape, has left me burnt out and completely different then the girl who walked beneath the Lambuth Gateway a mere 16 months ago. Honestly, I have gained a lot from my time at Lambuth. I've loved, I've laughed, I've learned, I've lost, and I have grown up a lot.

I am so excited to feel like my real self again. In that sense, moving home could be the best decision I've ever made. I want to reincorporate dance, theater, work, and true friends. I want to get involved in Parish life again. Conversely, I'm afraid it will make me stagnate. I will just wallow in the pain, work myself to death, and nothing will get better. I guess that there was a better chance of that happening at Lambuth though.

I am so thankful that I went back to school last week. Cheryl was fantastic, just what i needed to make it through the week. She was the validation that it was okay NOT to go to my meetings, NOT to attend class, that I AM normal, that I AM okay. She pushed me enough to get my necessities out of the way, to delegate all of my normal activities and then encouraged me and congratulated on anything that I pulled myself together enough to do. From putting on make-up to attending to Caf, she was there. What an incredible blessing.

Libby and I were watching SHAC's production of "Fiddler on the Roof" from the summer before my sophomore year. What a good time. :) Such a long time ago, but to me it seems like the start of the fall. Sophomore year was my hardest year in high-school. Everything after that seemed like it was healing. I don't even remember Junior Year. Senior year was good... Well second semester was good. And so far College has just been hard. I don't want to say that I want to go back, because I don't. (Well, I kinda do) But I need to find out where I am, and where I'm headed. I need time to heal. I need time to go back to the basics of what makes me happy. I need to not run away from my issues.

Anyhow, part of my plan for moving home it to write/blog everyday. That way I'm keeping track of myself.

Ciao