I feel so accomplished

I finally cleaned my room today. I'm totally unpacked and moved in. You can see my floor. Its nearly utopian!

Hurray Productivity!

Tonight

I saw him. Well, it wasn't really him, but the point is, I thought it was.

I don't know what else to say.

It was awful.

Thank God for Scott.

musing

i haven't written anything meaningful lately.

nothing life changing.

nothing like a breakthrough.

i don't feel like i have moved forward at all. conversely, i don't feel that i'm regressing either. i just feel that i am moving back and forth horizontally. pacing my same path, discussing my same situation, reassuring my same sanity over and over and over again.

i hate this part.

i really wish that i could just move on. repress repress repress. move on. be happy again. sucks that it doesn't work that way.

A Blessing.

A blessing has come into my life, in the form of a friend.

I am so thankful.

And so incredibly blessed.

It's just different.

When people actually have been through what I've been through.

When they know exactly how I'm feeling.

When they know that nothing they can say will really make it better.

When they know how much I hurt every second of every day.

When they aren't interested only to make themselves feel like better friends.

There is a sincerity, an honesty, a hope.

It is just different.

Be Okay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU3472bvdHI

I hate it when...

I have something to say, and no one cares. I hate it more when I have something to say and it gets discounted by "are you on your period?" or "you're really exhausted aren't you?"

I hate it when I see things are wrong, and I try to help, but, because of my past I get discounted.

I hate that I care.

I hate that you wont leave me alone.

I hate that I can't stand to be by myself.

I hate that nothing seems to be getting better, really.

I hate that I hurt.. so much.

I hate that I can't trust any more.

I hate that you don't understand how vulnerable you make yourself.

I hate being judged.



I'm sad today.

Dear World

Hurt Less.

Love,
Laura

hmmm

i don't understand a lot of what is going on within me. it freaks me out. i think the worst part is that any time i get close to talking about something *real* with someone, i start to have a panic attack. now, this does not count just discussing the rape, or the abuse, or the estrangement. this means actually talking about feelings. or... i don't even know. but its hard, especially when i don't know it is coming. sigh...

gravity is drifting away from me...

so therapy tends to really wear me out....

note to self, never schedule an appointment right before work. HA.

Laura....

would like a little more stability in her emotional state. okay? thanks.

Pick.

Alright, so, remember when we first broke up? And you were friends with both of us, and you didn't know whose side to pick? Remember when I was the better friend and told you that you didn't have to pick? Remember that I told you it didn't matter to me, because our business wasn't your business? Remember that you completely embraced what I said? Remember how you tell me all the time that we're gonna end up back together someday?

Well. I hate to tell you this way. BUT I LIED.

I didn't want you to pick. I needed you too. Don't you realize that by still being his friend you validate him? You show him that even though you know all about what happened, you still accept him. And that its okay.

Well guess what. It isn't okay. It wont be okay. It was never okay.

By not picking, you picked. And yes, I still love you, because I'm a MORON. But just know, you hurt me every time I see, hear, or know about your contact with him.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to have to say this. But I'm sick of swallowing my feelings. I've gotta fight for me; Cause no one else can.

Wow.

A dear old friend of mine sent this to me just now, and it is awesome. It is an Editorial by Eve Ensler. This is incredible. Enjoy!

Dear Emotional Creature:
I believe in you. I believe in your authenticity, your uniqueness, your intensity, your wildness. I love the way you dye your hair purple, or hike up your short skirt, or blare your music while you lip-synch every single memorized lyric. I love your restlessness and your hunger. You possess the energy that, if unleashed, could transform, inspire and heal the world.
Everyone seems to have a certain way they want you to be-your mother, father, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, boyfriends, fashion gurus, celebrities, girlfriends. In reporting my new book, I learned a very disturbing statistic: 74 percent of young women say they are under pressure to please everyone.
I have done a lot of thinking about what it means to please: to be the wish or will of somebody other than yourself. To please the fashion setters, we starve ourselves. To please men, we push ourselves when we aren't ready. To please our parents, we become insane over-achievers. If you are trying to please, how do you take responsibility for your own needs? How do you even know what your own needs are? The act of pleasing makes everything murky. We lose track of ourselves. We stop uttering declaratory sentences. We stop directing our lives. We forget what we know. We make everything OK rather than real.
I have had the good fortune to travel around the world. Everywhere I meet teenage girls and women giggling, laughing as they walk country roads or hang out on city streets. Electric girls. I see how their lives get hijacked, how their opinions and desires get denied and undone. So many of the women I have met are still struggling late into their lives to know their desires, to find their way.
Instead of trying to please, this is a challenge to provoke, to dare, to satisfy your own imagination and appetite. To take responsibility for who you are, to engage. Listen to the voice inside you that might want something different. It's a call to your original self, to move at your own speed, to walk with your step, to wear your color.
When I was your age, I didn't know how to live as an emotional creature. I felt like an alien. I still do a lot of the time. I am older now. I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be OK with being different, with being this alive, this intense. I just don't want you to have to wait that long.
Love,
Eve Ensler

Rough Day

I feel like this is a blog of doom and gloom.

And maybe I should quit.

Ugh.

Sleep Patterns

I know that this weekend was wonderful, because everynight I had no issue falling asleep. Whether I was on Ivy's couch or Slushie's... ahem...(floor) ;-) I slept without any of my usual restlessness or anxiety. That is, until last night. Last night it was worse than ever. It literally felt like there was a huge hand wrapped around my chest and someone was squeezing. Squeezing to the point where I could still breathe, but barely. Not fun.

I worry about things that I feel. Really, I just worry because I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm too good at repressing. Not feeling.

This is a Blog to say that I have blogged today.

hurray.

Ha.

It tickles me when I remember why I ended things with you. It is so easy for me to fall back into the trap of wanting familiarity and understanding from someone who knew me so well. But I deserve better than you. I deserve more than you. The fact that you can look at me now and take delight in my misery is proof that it needed to be over. I wish I could find you, look you in the eye and tell you I was raped. I wonder what your reaction would be. Anger? Humor? Condescension? I know you're going to find out sooner or later, I wish I could be there. I want you to know that I've added you to the ever growing list of people that I wish I could hate. And I accomplish it sometimes, in fleeting moments of rage that I long to be able to fall into. To dwell in my anger of what you did to me. But I'm not like that, I never have been; And you know it. That is why you were able to take advantage of me for as long as you did. I can't hate. I forgive too easily. And, ironically, I hate myself for it. My whole life I've gotten screwed, over and over and over again, by people like you. The cycle will never stop. I just have to harden myself.

I have moments where I say things: I say things that I believe deeply and ardently, but they are filled with bitterness and hatred. It never fails to surprise me how broken I really am. I am learning that I will continue to love, to forgive, to get my heartbroken, but nothing surprises me any more. I assume that guys are terrible before they even introduce themselves. I assume that they just want my body. I'm overly protective of my girl friends. Especially the ones I consider naive. I am torn over whether to tell them all I know and disillusion them or just to protect their utopian ignorance. I normally fall for the latter; only because I believe life will teach you what you need to know.

Best Love

God sure knows what he's doing. I needed to be with my darling friends so desperately this weekend, and He knew.

I love it.

Knoxville

I am loving being on vaycay. :) Ivy is so wonderful and the most pure precious person I know. It is so comforting to have a good and loyal friend with me. It also makes me hurt. I more acutely feel the loneliness of home when I'm here, and the betrayal of friends I trusted. I think I'm wearing out. I can't hold it together much longer.

I feel like I've been on a crazy roller-coaster all day. I've had really really high moments of excitement and joy from being around people I love, and then moments where I'm just going to melt to the ground and weep. Sigh.

Breach of Friendship.

Some people just make me so angry/upset/hurt.

You were supposed to be my best friend, the one I could turn too. How can you ignore what happened and STILL be friends with him?! Why can't I hate him, but hating you comes so easily?

I'm so sick of all of this. I'M SO SICK OF ALL OF THIS.

A lot in My Head, A lot on My Heart

Well, I admit it. I'm lonely. I have been shying away from my peer group; I don't trust my instincts around them, I don't trust the way they will act around me. But I miss having people to hang out with all the time.

I auditioned for a show in Brentwood. Now's the sucky waiting part.

I'm going to visit IVY and SLUSHIE tomorrow!

I don't know what else to say. I'm not feeling very deep lately.

whew.

I'm worn out!

I'm about to try to have an early night again. More updates later.

Productivity is Key.

So I got up at an hour my mother would call 'reasonable' (but I would call ungodly) today. And I quickly reviewed my Theater Resume, printed out a head shot, got dressed and went on my way to Circle Player's auditions for "To Kill a Mockingbird". After about an hours worth of driving and being lost, I realized that I was NOT the right age for the show and I was NOT willing to drive that far to rehearsal every day... so I gave up and came home.

On the way home, however, I stopped by the new tea-room, Homestead Manor, and ended up picking up an application. I took it home and then brought it back, completed, several hours later and was hired on the spot! Praise the Lord for small blessings. If only all Job applications and hirings were so easy. Mom always reminds my to keep my prayers specific, and on my way in i whispered "Dear God, Please let them be hiring a cute, 20 year old Laura. Love, Me" And they were! Hurrah!

Now i have just gotten home from dear EAP's house (Evil Aunt Pat, for those that don't know) and I'm going to shower before curing up in bed with my book. I'm rather worn out and ecstatic about it.

Blessings to you all.

I know its the 6th

But we're gonna count this one as the 5th.

I just had the best evening with Scott Williams. I am so thankful and blessed to have quality people, especially guys, in my life that show me that giving up on humanity is not the answer to my problems. I am reminded of this daily; and that, my friends, is incredible.

That is all.

Hmmm

The thing I hate the most about all of this, is that I have not found it in me to hate him. I worry about him, knowing his parents aren't too supportive, having to face all of this alone. I feel terrible for putting him through all this, as if it is somehow all my fault. I have nightmares about being raped, but it is never by him. It is a literal mental block. In that aspect, I wish that it had all happened the way it is "supposed to happen"- violently, by someone unknown to me. He was my friend, I trusted him implicitly.

After this past year, my trust in my own judgment of people has changed unalterably. I'm too nice, too forgiving, too trusting. I like to pretend that I'm super jaded and mean and pessimistic. But honestly, I'm not. As long as someone hangs around just long enough to get past that thin veneer then I'm loyal as a puppy dog; its frustrating.

I don't know where to put all my stuff. There just isn't room in my room!

Alright, thats the update for today.

Relief.

Wow. I am so happy that today is OVER.

I'll give more details later, but he has been suspended until spring 2011. In order to be eligible to return he must meet several requirements including attending counseling and two papers.

I am exhausted, drained, a whirlwind of emotion. But, I'm thankful that this is over. And that I am Home.

Thank you so so so much for the prayers.

I love you.

overwhelmed.

I have SO MUCH left to do today.

Finish packing
Withdraw
Quit 2 jobs
Attend the Hearing
Load the Car
Check out of my Room
Say Goodbye

Hopefully withdrawing wont take that long??

I'm so over today. I don't feel like it.

I quit.

Lambuth Blues

So I'm back at Lambuth. Woo.

If anyone was worried about me coming back and wanting to stay, lay your worries aside. I love my friends here, I do. But I recognize that we're all just super friendly cause its my Last Night. Ha.

Packing SUCKS.

Prayers tomorrow please, The Hearing is at 2:30.


Thank You.

almost missed today.

not a very good day emotionally.

back to feeling dead. listless.

i don't feel like writing more.