hmmm

i don't understand a lot of what is going on within me. it freaks me out. i think the worst part is that any time i get close to talking about something *real* with someone, i start to have a panic attack. now, this does not count just discussing the rape, or the abuse, or the estrangement. this means actually talking about feelings. or... i don't even know. but its hard, especially when i don't know it is coming. sigh...