Today

Today should have been the day that I started at MTSU. I cannot say how pleased I am that I did not.

For those of you that have not heard, I will not be returning to school this fall. Instead, I am moving to Ohio later on this month. I chose this path for many reasons. The main one being the fact that I need to get away. I need a fresh start. I am so tired of seeing the same people I've always seen, doing the same things I have always done, being the "same" Laura I have always been, and getting the same results I've always gotten.

It is not that I couldn't have gone back to MTSU. I could have, and I would have done just fine. Really. Yes, I probably would have not been the happiest I've ever been, but that would have been okay. The main reason I did not return to school is the fact that I was going back for the wrong reasons. I was going against my (bad) gut feeling, and sucking it up as some sort of "punishment" for my failure at Lambuth. I was going for the sake of NOT losing my Hope Scholarship. And I was going because it is what is expected. But after much deliberation, soul searching, and many talks with my parents, I decided that nothing, the money, the punishment, or the expectations, was worth risking my emotional well being at this point in my life.

So, for the next year (or however long), I will be spending time figuring out who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go, and how I fit in this big crazy world. I want to spend time just Being. I want to find that girl I remember being. I want to learn to be okay with who I am, how I deal with things. I need to learn to be confident in myself, in the choices I make, and the capabilities to take care of myself. I want to find stability and peace.

I have received so much support in this decision. It is truly incredible. Anytime I have started to feel like a college-drop out-loser, I have been encouraged by someone who finds the time to tell me they think I'm brave, or a reassuring hug from a friend.



Though I am more confident with this decision than I have been in a long time, I still struggle daily with my roller-coaster emotions. It is so bizarre to be in my head sometimes. Today alone I have felt severe guilt for hurting Tave by breaking up with him so suddenly, I have cried over the lost friendship with Sara, and I have wished sincerely that I would have made it/continued on at Lambuth. I have hated myself for the choices I made that allowed him to rape me, rejoiced in the solitude, and panicked at the sound of a cat scampering across the floor. I wish so deeply that I could control the range of my emotions. I am so exhausted all the time with all of the things going on in my head.

I feel myself pulling away from a lot of people. Especially people who stood by me during the past year. I don't know why. My therapist says its from the need to get away from things that remind me of the past, and maybe that is true. I don't want to be around people who treat me like I'm fragile, like I am going to need them to make it through the day. I am feeling stronger, more independent. More pigheaded (ha). I will make it. Won't I?

Won't I?

WON'T I?!

crisis

i feel like i'm running around in circles. the voices in my head have multiplied. they're yelling, arguing, cajoling. each to his or her own view point. all discussing one thing: what the hell am i going to do with my life?

do i go back to school? thus NOT giving up the hope scholarship?
do i just stay at home and bum it out working at mellow and camp?
do i move to cinci and take a break from life?

i can't get a job at a camp, work for americorps or the peace corps, or really do anything fulfilling without a b.s.

even my dad, my all knowing stubborn father, doesn't have the answers.


dammmmnnnniiiiitttttt

Announcement

I will not be returning to school this fall.

At the risk of being a total wash-up and failure, I make this choice.

I was returning for two reasons: 1. Because of the HOPE scholarship. 2. Because I felt/feel like I didn't/don't deserve to be happy. I fucked up so much at Lambuth that whatever I ended up doing this year, I deserved it; Even if I was completely miserable. I just needed to shut up, keep my head down, and move forward. Get that god-forsaken Bachelor's Degree out of the way so I could get on with my life. Here's how that would have ended up: I would have taken 18 hours, worked 30+, gotten involved with things so that it looked like I was living a fulfilling life, when, in reality, I would have become an alcoholic. I would be involved in things, but only on an administrative level. I would not have connected. Not been real. I would be drunk all the time. Functioning, but DRUNK. I do not deserve that life. I do not deserve that misery.


I deserve to be happy. or at least, manageable.



So, I'm researching options for the fall. Americorps, Camps, other places to live.

We'll see.

goodbye

i'm so scared to be alone.

i'm too scared to give up my solitude.



today was so hard.

the three people i feel the most myself around.

and the only person who was actually there through it all. who actually knows, with out me having to explain, what it was like when he yelled at me. how he tore me to pieces. how he broke me.


they're all gone.

i have one more day with my sister. then she'll be gone too.










therapy tomorrow.

don't. can't. won't,

i feel alone all the time.

but i do it to myself.

i know i do. i get it, i know exactly why i do everything. i have an intrapersonal intelligence. i may be messed up in all areas of my life, but trust me, i know why I do shit.

i'm just too scared, or too messed up, to fix it.


i can't. i won't. i don't.




thanks anyway.


i'm fine.

shaken.

just as i feel like i'm stable.
just as i feel i have real support.
just as i feel like laura, the real laura, is coming back.

i sink.

i fall.

into darkness, confusion, submission.

you are worthless, my demons tell me.

that was your chance, its gone.

plod, plod, plod, plod, plod, forward, onward, miserable oblivion.

'you have hope' she says. 'you will find friends' she says.

i don't, i can't, i wont.

i am too scared.
i am too lost.
i am too unworthy.

what if i try to love them and they fail me?

more importantly...

what if they try to love me, and i fail them?

i did it.

i wore the dress.

the one i wore that night.

i didn't need to burn it.

i didn't need to get wasted.

i didn't need to cry.


i just wore it. and i am okay.

victory.

shocking

it is shocking how much deciding to no longer attend therapy has affected me. i am so much more stable, and *happy*. I think it is mostly because i know i can just push it all away and not have to deal with it again for a very long time if i like. plus, going to therapy gave me too much validation. like, i think it made everything seem like way more of a big deal. and that comes from respecting the opinion of my therapist a little too much, i think.

i'm just laura. a little crazy, a lot broken. but damn well pretending that everything is okay. and committed to pushing through until it all comes together. no belief left in humanity. little hope left in the world. with the knowledge that even she will disappoint herself. just a broken-hearted dreamer, with no song left to sing. but with a soul that wont stop shining, and hope still whispering.

i don't want to go.

don't make me.

where am i?

regression?
progression?

is it possible to do both at the same time?

i'm back to waves. waves of peace, waves of happiness, waves of complete mourning, of hatred, of depression, apathy, joy, anger, loss.

i'm fine.

i'm always fine.