WHO ARE YOU

i feel like i don't even know myself right now

Why can't I just stay happy?


I think I don't feel safe enough to cry. I don't trust myself enough.

Panic.

The hardest is the panic. Its the loss of control. The feeling of chaos. The lack of comfort. It strikes at the most vulnerable moments of my day.

I flashback, I think he's yelling at me when its really nothing, I feel controlled when it is support, I fear commitment when stability is what I long for. I have to fight so hard to not self sabotage. It is instinctual sometimes.

I get so afraid that I can't trust my judgment. I have trust issues with my own happiness. I can't believe that I truly am happy, or content. I think I must be running, repressing, hiding.

Thankful

I have been thinking this morning about the lifestyle I had at Lambuth. Thinking back on it, I can't believe the immaturity, irrationality, and selfishness I displayed while living there. The friends that I had, the people I was surrounded by, and the choices I made were not me: just not my style. I am so thankful that out of something as traumatic as the rape, God shed the terrible environment I was in, and brought me home to a network of hope, love and support. Yes, it sucked to be betrayed by Sara and Chris. But honestly, I didn't need either of those people in my life any more. They were not true friends, they did not look out for my well being, they just used me for my company and good humor.

God is so incredible. Everywhere I turn this week, I see new blessings. Even in my darkest days I see hope, I no longer feel that the darkness within me is untouchable.

I met with a new therapist on Monday. She is fantastic. I'm so excited to work with her and get all of this crap cleared up. The best thing she said to me was at the very end of the session she looked me in the eye and said: "I want you to know that I have great hope for you, Laura. I don't forsee years of therapy ahead of you. I think it will be very difficult, but we can get through this before even a year is out." THAT MAKES ME SO EXCITED.

ugh.

mom.

why didn't we think this one through?

Control.

Fun fact: I have to be in control. At all times. I manipulate and coerce, adjust and restructure until I feel that I have absolute control of a situation. I don't mean to be this way, but I absolutely am. It is the main area I see the most manifestation of change from the rape. If I feel out of control, I panic, I shut down, I break down, I lose it.

This is going to be the hardest thing to let go on, I know it. I have to work on it though, its affecting every aspect of my life.

Gosh, this is hard.

Be Okay

You know what?

I'm allowed to cry.

You wanna know why?

Because I got screwed over by a lot of people I trusted, a lot. Because I have been used, abused, and abandoned. Because I am hurt and I am broken.

You know what else?

I AM going to be okay.

You wanna know why?

Because I have many, many people who truly love me: who honestly want what's best for me, who would give anything to see me feel better. Because I will give myself time to heal. Because I will understand that this will NEVER really go away. Because I will forgive. Because I am Resilient.

Game Time

Whew, I have made a lot of big decisions this week. Decisions about the fall, decisions about the summer, decisions about next week. I'm a little worn out. but its good i'm doing all this.

WAP looked at me the other day and said: "La Mia, I know you are looking toward the future because in the future you'll feel better, but you'll never feel better in the future if you don't deal with your stuff now. You have to take it out and talk about it, fume about it, cry about it, and beat it to a pulp. Then you have to cast it in the shadows. Don't try to lock it away, cause if you do that you haven't really healed it. Just send it to the shadows, it will always be there, but it wont be what your life revolves around."
She's right. I know she is.



I'm not going to Cincy this summer. I'm disappointed about it, but I just really need to find a good therapist and be going consistently. :-/

Running

I feel like I'm always running from something, without even meaning too.

What do I do with my life?

Do I go to Cinci this summer?
Do I get a new therapist?
Do I focus on the future?
Do I dwell on the past?
How do I even find the past?

I scare myself.

I love Mondays

When I don't crash. I've had a lovely day. I woke up late, got up, made come curried chicken salad, went and tanned/layed out in the back yard with Lynde for a few hours, decided what I'm doing in the fall, worked on getting my HOPE back, and applied for school and my transcript transfers. I know, I was proud too. Now, tonight, I'm going out with WAP. And I'm quite excited because I miss her a lot.

Yesterday was a really good day too. All the cousins were here, and the entire family. It was wonderful. I love Bracey so much. Then we celebrated Landon's birthday and then Scotty and Michael and Courtney and some other guys came over for a bonfire. The weather was beautiful, the company was excellent...

Dear God,
Please don't let me crash this week.

Love,
Laura

sooo...

i'm really good at repressing stuff. i think that's the hardest part of healing for me, especially in the situation with tave. everytime i think i've let go, i've forgiven him for what he did and how he treated me, i remember something about the relationship that just makes me sick. and its hard to process, because i process through talking. but i feel like everyone is tired of hearing about him, and about how bad it was. i'm like a broken record, and the fact that it lasted so long is all my fault.

i don't know what to say today.

i'm happy.

i'm content.

i'm tired.

waiting.

I feel like I'm just spending a lot of time waiting for the future. They say time heals all wounds. I wish it would hurry up and heal mine.

Have I really missed 2 days this week?

Alright, Real legit update time. I took notes and have an outline so be prepared.

1.Therapy

Alright, its official, I'm quitting therapy. Well, at least, I'm quitting my therapist. She just, she's nice and sweet and we get a long. But I manipulate the sessions, I know I do. I'm afraid to actually delve into anything worthwhile, so I manipulate it all. I TOLD her I would do this, and she assured me it wouldn't happen. But it has the last 3 times. So, its just not worth the money. I came to this realization after my session last monday when I didn't even talk to her about anything I ought to have, but then I spent the rest of the day going to talk to Lynde, Courtney, and Anna about the stuff I needed too. Speaking of Anna, wow. What a blessing she has been. It is SO different talking to her than it has been talking to anyone else. She just, She gets it. Easily. Simply. She knows how I'm feeling by the two words I can manage to spit out. Its incredible. What a blessing.

2.Awakening

This past weekend I had a really good one. I felt like a new person. I got my room completely unpacked, I had a wonderful day Sunday, and Monday wasn't as miserable as it usually is. I'm having longer periods of happiness. I don't know if this is really too much of an improvement because the days that I crash, I crash really hard. Like yesterday, I just felt like laying in bed and crying all day, for no reason. But I went to work, and nothing went right. By the time Mom and Dad came by, I was in tears. But I got to sit with them a while and things were better. I'm excited about feeling happier more. Though I'm not really sure if its healing or repression. I have to be careful about that, my skill at repressing is frightening to me.

3.Time Lapse (Work/Home)

Michael asked me the other day how long it has been since the actual rape. It's only been 47 days. That is so much shorter of a time than it feels like. It feels like years, lifetimes have passed. But no, Its just 1.5 months. Work has over all been really good. I like the people I work with and the environment is healthy and supportive. Lyn is the only one there (besides Lynde) who knows about everything. She's a sweetheart. I'm thankful to have the friend. Living at home has been so much easier than I thought it would be. I have my moments when I'm really frustrated about not having my own place, but over all its really really good.

4.Healing

I've decided that I am, in fact, healing. This is hard to explain, but throughout my relationship with Tave and in all the months following up to a few days ago, I seesawed between two states of being. Although, on the surface I could feel shallow emotions in response to events, deeply I either felt completely empty and void of anything or like my heart was slowly dying. Since the rape, the latter of these emotions had been almost constant. Just a deep ache, so resonant it felt like I would feel that forever until my life physically ended, just as my soul's life had. Not a good feeling. A few days ago though, a new feeling entered the mix. It still hurts, but its a different type of pain. Not deathly and horrid, its more positive; like a growing pain, or when you step into the sunlight from the dark and your eyes are painfully blinded, but you know it is for the best. This scares me, and it excites me. I still have my days(yesterday) where I feel empty, but at least there is some change.


There are a lot of things changing in my life, and a lot of them for the better. I'm learning to see the big picture, learning to let go. The hardest part for me is talking about stuff that actually really matters. But I've been practicing. Little steps at a time.

Be patient with Laura. Be patient with Laura. Be patient with Laura.

Everything. Everything I do is Normal.

Healing.

Lord Jesus,
through the power of the Holy Spirit, go back into my memory as I sleep.

Every hurt that has ever been done to me, heal that hurt. Every hurt that I have ever caused another person, heal that hurt.

All the relationships that have been damaged in my whole life that I am not aware of , heal those relationships.

But, O Lord, if there is anything that I need to do, If I need to go to a person because he or she is still suffering from my hand, bring to my awareness that person. I choose to forgive, and I ask to be forgiven.

Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart, Lord, and fill the empty spaces with your love.

Amen.