I never understood why one of the prevelant anti-sexual abuse and assault groups is called "take back the night". I understand now. Night is the time I feel most vulnerable, most alone. I can schedule and plan and distract every moment of my day, but I still always have to go home. The long drive alone, the silence of the house, my thoughts. It is the time I dread most. I crave company, ditraction. I don't want to talk, I just want to be; to be not alone.
I hate him. I hate him for a million different reasons. I cannot wait for him to get out of my head, get out of my system, get out of my life. I cannot wait for the ability to do things that I love without a memory or flashback permeating the experience. I want to be able to live again. Freely.
Lord. Bring me a new heart, and a new soul. Bless me. Hold Me. Love me.
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