New for Me.

You don't get it.
You don't know.

I'm back to high school. My whole body is consumed with bitterness and negativity. My heart, soul, mind and thoughts. The thoughts I have are uncontrollable, of worthlessness, degradation, self-hatred, self-loathing.

I am irresponsible.

I deserved this.

It's not his fault.

I did this to myself.

If I had taken care of myself...

If I had listened to my upbringing...

If I hadn't let him hurt me...

If I hadn't quit caring about Laura.


This is new for you?! It is new for me. EVERYDAY IT IS NEW FOR ME.

You know how in movies sometimes people talk about that moment when they first wake up and they've forgotten everything? They talk about how it is the best part of the day, and then they remember. They remember the trauma: rape, kidnapping, murder, loss. But, at least they had that moment. That moment of Peace.

I don't get that moment. I remember, constantly, all the time. It is always on my mind. I want to use it as an excuse to just quit everything. I want to just sit in my room and stare at the wall. I'm too prideful for that. That is not how Laura is 'supposed' to act.

So I keep going. Dark thoughts consuming me always. Even the moments that seem happiest, I have a flashback, and there I go. Right back to the pain.

I don't mean to complain.

I just wanted you to know.