Bipolar

Its nights like tonight that I feel bipolar. I am sad, anxious, and lonely. I don't know why. I have absolutely no reason to be.

When I think back on the past two years, it literally brings me to my knees. My life has changed so much since then. I am drastically altered, forever marked.

I've spent a year of my life trying to get over him. Where am I now? Sitting in my bed, refusing to give into the urge to drink myself into a stupor. I hate him. Possibly more than I did in the beginning. Strike that, definitely more.

I remember that week after I ended things with him being the best week I've ever had. I felt so free, so empowered, I rejoiced. Then it all came crashing down. I needed to face it all, to accept what he did, who he was, what I became. But I didn't, wouldn't. I still can't, to some extent. I cannot face who I became because of him. It is everything in me I hate the most. The Anti-Miko, if you will. And the worst part is, I did it to myself. I let him break me, I let myself be divided from everyone that I hold dear. I took a leap off the cliff. I jumped far, and I jumped blindly. And I have been regretting that jump for too long.

I don't know how to get better. Perhaps I never will. But logically, I should be able to recover. After all, I was strong enough to leave. I just had to work up to it.

I still cannot believe I actually left him. After all that time, I don't know what made me do it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. The possibility of me ever loving someone as much as I loved him seems so impossible. I don't think I'll ever be able to give up that much control again.

Sigh. I wish I could be excited, about the "celebration"... but I'm not. I don't know what I am...

bipolar.