Rantings of the Insane

Dear Laura,

Lets take a moment and review. Why are you here? Why did you move?

Was the goal to allow yourself to retreat further into yourself than you have ever been? No. So why are we here?

You are so dependent, Laura. You portray yourself and such an independent. But you are lying to yourself. You need people. You always have. Yet you contradict yourself and isolate, isolate, isolate.

No wonder you are so miserable, babe. You set yourself up for failure over and over.

You use so many walls, sarcasm, haughtiness, self-sacrifice to move the spotlight from yourself. You long for a place that you are unafraid, uninhibited, undone. Where you can be yourself, scream and stand, I am woman, I am me. Roar to the wind, whisper to the leaves, love me, take me, keep me, save me.

Would it be so bad to be honest? Be real?

Must you employ these ruses to distract and detract from all that your soul yearns to know?

I know it is scary, and hard. You wonder if it is worth it, don't worry, I do too. Its probably not, how can it be? You trusted Tave, You chose him over your own flesh and blood. That ended in failure. You trusted Chris, who seemed harmless enough, and that ended in misery. How could it be worth it? Especially when your gut says no.

I know, I know there is something about these boys. A weird level of comfort, similar to the one you felt with Chris. Like they'll take care of you, look out for you. Its only natural you would be frightened. Everything you do is normal.

But is it going to be like this forever? Why must fear be your constant companion. Can we try to be brave again? Please? I miss us being brave and strong and naive and stupid.

You wanna know a secret? I'd give anything to go back. Anything. I can't see a better future. I can't see how this will come to good. I can talk a big talk, and I can walk a big walk, but I am so not there. I never have been.

I'm crazy. We're crazy. You're crazy. Writing letters to your/ourselves. This is how it is though, huh? Both of us, in our head, hammering it out, day by day.

I hope one day I love you again, actually, I'd settle for liking you. Or thinking you were worthy of anything.

Wow, this is long. And we wandered. All over the place. Surprise surprise.

Goodnight.