love,

I used to believe that I was born to love.

I believed that this was my purpose on the earth. And I strove to fulfill that purpose with every ounce of my soul. I did a good job, I think. I loved- completely, wholly, purposefully- without ceasing. Anyone. Everyone. I loved the old man in the gutter. I loved the grouchy woman in the grocery store. I loved my best friend. I loved my worst enemy. I honestly hurt if someone was in pain. I cried with friends, strangers, even the movie Tarzan.

If ever I was backstabbed, betrayed, disappointed, or rejected, it was like my world was ending. I literally could not handle it. For many years I was on a self-imposed emotional rollercoaster. Love, love, love, betrayal, depression. A terrible cycle, repeated more times than I care to recount.

Then came Tave.
He taught me his version of love, and for a while I bought into it. He manipulated me, used my trust and love against me. He broke me.

And so I stopped. I quit caring. I just didn't give a damn about anyone, not even myself. I did so much damage to my well being during this time, still feeding myself the lies he taught me. Still thinking I was worth so little that I couldn't possibly deserve to be loved, much less be good enough to share my love with the world.

I'm changing again though. I have found/made/reinstated friends that truly love me, for me. That accept my love, what of it there is to give. They understand trust, honesty, and faithfulness. More importantly, they understand pain, loss, hurt, and desperation.

It is terrifying and incredibly painful but,

I'm learning to love again.


I do not live to love, no. Rather, I love, that I may truly live.