The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Itself.

"Really? Great, Now I'm afraid of fear too."

What are we most afraid of admitting about ourselves? What is that thing that we never want to own up too? What things are we hiding from ourselves that are actually holding us back?

Recently, I have been refraining from saying "I have trust issues". Cause, frankly, who doesn't? I don't want to be "that girl". The one that seems like I'm always whining, or trying to garner attention through my issues from my past.

But at Poco tonight, I heard some wise words that went something like this.

"I have trust issues. Not in the, I can't tell you a secret, sort of way. But in the, I don't want to get so involved that any of my emotional well being is wrapped up in you", sort of way. I don't want to care. I don't want to give you any part of me. I don't want to trust you not to hurt me."

That is so true. I can hang out with people, I can talk, joke, laugh, and be the best of everything. But I want them at an arms length.

Yeah, Its lonely. But let me tell you, at least I can rest easy knowing that the only person that has the chance to let me down is me.

Forgiveness

This is a concept I have really been thinking about lately. What does it mean to forgive? Is it even possible?

To forgive and forget, this seems to be the ultimate desire of those needing to be forgiven and the almost impossible feat for those who need to forgive. How can you ask someone to forget your transgressions? Yes,I may be able to let them go, but to forget them completely seems downright naive.

The only way I have been able to manage this incredible task is to block the hurt out completely; to act as if it never happened. I realize that this, perhaps, is not the healthiest way to go about things. But in my mind that has a sick need for perfection, this is the easiest way to accomplish it.

And so, *enter* THE WALL. Sometimes I feel like I don't even really exist. Like all there is of myself is WALL WALL WALL. Its a discouraging feeling. Last week, I didn't feel like a wall. I felt like an insane person. All week long, talking circles in my head. It was miserable.

I don't know where I was going with this.

Reality

What a strange thing it is, to think about Reality. After all, is there such a thing? How can we know that our 'realities' are correct or viable?

Anyhow, I think it is beginning to sink in, the fact that I have moved here. Its been a month. I'm homesick. I'm tired. And I'm depressed.

I can't find a job. And I really need one.

I'm bored with my life being all about me all the time. I need friends to care about, children to invest in. I miss being a part of something bigger.

I miss the comfort of sanctuary.

I don't want to give the wrong impression, I am VERY happy here. I know it is the best thing I have done for myself, since, ever. I'm just in a slumpity Slump. And it Sucks.

Bipolar

Its nights like tonight that I feel bipolar. I am sad, anxious, and lonely. I don't know why. I have absolutely no reason to be.

When I think back on the past two years, it literally brings me to my knees. My life has changed so much since then. I am drastically altered, forever marked.

I've spent a year of my life trying to get over him. Where am I now? Sitting in my bed, refusing to give into the urge to drink myself into a stupor. I hate him. Possibly more than I did in the beginning. Strike that, definitely more.

I remember that week after I ended things with him being the best week I've ever had. I felt so free, so empowered, I rejoiced. Then it all came crashing down. I needed to face it all, to accept what he did, who he was, what I became. But I didn't, wouldn't. I still can't, to some extent. I cannot face who I became because of him. It is everything in me I hate the most. The Anti-Miko, if you will. And the worst part is, I did it to myself. I let him break me, I let myself be divided from everyone that I hold dear. I took a leap off the cliff. I jumped far, and I jumped blindly. And I have been regretting that jump for too long.

I don't know how to get better. Perhaps I never will. But logically, I should be able to recover. After all, I was strong enough to leave. I just had to work up to it.

I still cannot believe I actually left him. After all that time, I don't know what made me do it. I hate him I hate him I hate him. The possibility of me ever loving someone as much as I loved him seems so impossible. I don't think I'll ever be able to give up that much control again.

Sigh. I wish I could be excited, about the "celebration"... but I'm not. I don't know what I am...

bipolar.

Rantings of the Insane

Dear Laura,

Lets take a moment and review. Why are you here? Why did you move?

Was the goal to allow yourself to retreat further into yourself than you have ever been? No. So why are we here?

You are so dependent, Laura. You portray yourself and such an independent. But you are lying to yourself. You need people. You always have. Yet you contradict yourself and isolate, isolate, isolate.

No wonder you are so miserable, babe. You set yourself up for failure over and over.

You use so many walls, sarcasm, haughtiness, self-sacrifice to move the spotlight from yourself. You long for a place that you are unafraid, uninhibited, undone. Where you can be yourself, scream and stand, I am woman, I am me. Roar to the wind, whisper to the leaves, love me, take me, keep me, save me.

Would it be so bad to be honest? Be real?

Must you employ these ruses to distract and detract from all that your soul yearns to know?

I know it is scary, and hard. You wonder if it is worth it, don't worry, I do too. Its probably not, how can it be? You trusted Tave, You chose him over your own flesh and blood. That ended in failure. You trusted Chris, who seemed harmless enough, and that ended in misery. How could it be worth it? Especially when your gut says no.

I know, I know there is something about these boys. A weird level of comfort, similar to the one you felt with Chris. Like they'll take care of you, look out for you. Its only natural you would be frightened. Everything you do is normal.

But is it going to be like this forever? Why must fear be your constant companion. Can we try to be brave again? Please? I miss us being brave and strong and naive and stupid.

You wanna know a secret? I'd give anything to go back. Anything. I can't see a better future. I can't see how this will come to good. I can talk a big talk, and I can walk a big walk, but I am so not there. I never have been.

I'm crazy. We're crazy. You're crazy. Writing letters to your/ourselves. This is how it is though, huh? Both of us, in our head, hammering it out, day by day.

I hope one day I love you again, actually, I'd settle for liking you. Or thinking you were worthy of anything.

Wow, this is long. And we wandered. All over the place. Surprise surprise.

Goodnight.

Miko

What is it about "Miko" that makes everything okay? Who is this person? Where did she come from?

I love her. She is everything that is best about me. She is brave, and happy. She is sweet, she does not have walls. I miss her, I want to be her. I need her back. I can't wait to be able to give a real hug to these people, my new friends. I want so much to be open to them. But I am so scared. ALL THE TIME. Wonderful people, truly wonderful people have entered my life. They are amazing, and all they do is love me. But I can't, don't know how, to love back.

Miko would, but Laura can't.

Its sad.

The First Person

I told the first person in Ohio my history. Its my friend Doug. He's a soon to be cop, and we were driving home from the bar. I told myself that i wasn't going to tell anyone about my history, so I could get a fresh start. But its too hard for me, living like i'm some big secret. I am a sharer.

I am so lonely sometimes.. I miss my mom a lot. I feel like I'm a stranger, just peeking in to other people's lives all the time. Sometimes, I really want a boyfriend, just to leach off of his friends and his life. But at the same time, I don't want to feel held back or tied down by someone.

Its hard, this moving thing. Harder than I thought it would be.

I am naive.

I am broken...

I am running...