Its been a while.

Sorry I've been gone. I haven't forsaken you, loyal reader. I just... I've been doing a really good job of distracting myself.

"You have a precious gift, given to you through baptism. The gift of the Holy Spirit, The Great Comforter, lies within you. All you must do is ask for healing, and healing will be found"

I'm so prideful. Auntie M, says its something I have to work on. I agree with her I suppose. I don't ask for help. I don't admit that I'm lost (emotionally, not literally). It really boils down to the fact that I don't trust, and I don't like to admit I'm weak.

Sweet.


Bed.

and it hits

today... it hit me. again.

i was polishing silverware. thinking about nothing. letting my mind wander. and all of a sudden it hit me. i was raped.

i.

was.

raped.


i'm that girl. the one you feel sorry for. the one that will never be you. the one you don't know how to talk to. the one you feel like you have to share your story with.

i'm her.


i wish i could cry. just open up and let it out.


i cried for a little while at therapy this week. i didn't even realize i was going too until i did, and even then, it was kinda an out of body experience.

i want to cry, and i want to feel it.


the only time i wish for a drink these days is to just free me from myself so i can let it all out.

Let Go

Laura.

You've got to let go. If they don't care enough to drop him, They don't care enough to be your friend. Let Go.

You can't keep dwelling.

Let go.



Please, you're killing yourself. I hate to see it.

Let Go.

Freedom

God,

Grant me freedom.
Take these chains that entangle my soul.
Share with me the hope that I so long for.


Let me forgive.
Let me forget.
Grant me reprieve.
End this constant upset.

I want a life back,
filled with joy and no cares.
A relationship with You
free from tangles and snares.

God grant me freedom,
save me from myself.

New for Me.

You don't get it.
You don't know.

I'm back to high school. My whole body is consumed with bitterness and negativity. My heart, soul, mind and thoughts. The thoughts I have are uncontrollable, of worthlessness, degradation, self-hatred, self-loathing.

I am irresponsible.

I deserved this.

It's not his fault.

I did this to myself.

If I had taken care of myself...

If I had listened to my upbringing...

If I hadn't let him hurt me...

If I hadn't quit caring about Laura.


This is new for you?! It is new for me. EVERYDAY IT IS NEW FOR ME.

You know how in movies sometimes people talk about that moment when they first wake up and they've forgotten everything? They talk about how it is the best part of the day, and then they remember. They remember the trauma: rape, kidnapping, murder, loss. But, at least they had that moment. That moment of Peace.

I don't get that moment. I remember, constantly, all the time. It is always on my mind. I want to use it as an excuse to just quit everything. I want to just sit in my room and stare at the wall. I'm too prideful for that. That is not how Laura is 'supposed' to act.

So I keep going. Dark thoughts consuming me always. Even the moments that seem happiest, I have a flashback, and there I go. Right back to the pain.

I don't mean to complain.

I just wanted you to know.

Take Back the Night

I never understood why one of the prevelant anti-sexual abuse and assault groups is called "take back the night". I understand now. Night is the time I feel most vulnerable, most alone. I can schedule and plan and distract every moment of my day, but I still always have to go home. The long drive alone, the silence of the house, my thoughts. It is the time I dread most. I crave company, ditraction. I don't want to talk, I just want to be; to be not alone.

I hate him. I hate him for a million different reasons. I cannot wait for him to get out of my head, get out of my system, get out of my life. I cannot wait for the ability to do things that I love without a memory or flashback permeating the experience. I want to be able to live again. Freely.

Lord. Bring me a new heart, and a new soul. Bless me. Hold Me. Love me.

there's an ache in my heart, an ache in my soul.
thirsting, yearning, waiting to be healed.

wont You heal me? wont You take my pain away?

i hurt deep within. a pain undiminished by distractions or illusions.
the only way is to avoid it. schedule every minute, every moment of my day.
if things get too quiet, if i am left alone to long, it returns, like a fiery demon, engulfing my spirit.