out of control

so i almost cried today while talking to dad. yeah. i know.

i'm just so freaked out by the upcoming year. i don't think i'll be able to make friends. my trust issues are so severe i can't even trust the people in my life i'm dying to. i scare myself. i do too good of a job keeping myself isolated. putting up a fake front. cause if, actually, when people betray or attack me at least they'll be attacking a false reality. not who i really am. who wants the real me anyway? i don't even know who that is. and i'm pretty sure she's not worth knowing. she's weak and she's naive. she trusts too much. she can't take care of herself.

ugh.

fuck you therapy.

this is why

i don't talk to people.

i don't open up.

i don't date.


people are unreliable.

i can't even allow myself to trust the people i want too.

what if they wont love me any more?

what if my problems are too much, they can't, or wont, care.




isolation hurts. but at least its safe.

i wish she realized

how much what she says means to me.

"you aren't much to live up too"


you're right.

i'm not.

love,

I used to believe that I was born to love.

I believed that this was my purpose on the earth. And I strove to fulfill that purpose with every ounce of my soul. I did a good job, I think. I loved- completely, wholly, purposefully- without ceasing. Anyone. Everyone. I loved the old man in the gutter. I loved the grouchy woman in the grocery store. I loved my best friend. I loved my worst enemy. I honestly hurt if someone was in pain. I cried with friends, strangers, even the movie Tarzan.

If ever I was backstabbed, betrayed, disappointed, or rejected, it was like my world was ending. I literally could not handle it. For many years I was on a self-imposed emotional rollercoaster. Love, love, love, betrayal, depression. A terrible cycle, repeated more times than I care to recount.

Then came Tave.
He taught me his version of love, and for a while I bought into it. He manipulated me, used my trust and love against me. He broke me.

And so I stopped. I quit caring. I just didn't give a damn about anyone, not even myself. I did so much damage to my well being during this time, still feeding myself the lies he taught me. Still thinking I was worth so little that I couldn't possibly deserve to be loved, much less be good enough to share my love with the world.

I'm changing again though. I have found/made/reinstated friends that truly love me, for me. That accept my love, what of it there is to give. They understand trust, honesty, and faithfulness. More importantly, they understand pain, loss, hurt, and desperation.

It is terrifying and incredibly painful but,

I'm learning to love again.


I do not live to love, no. Rather, I love, that I may truly live.

gosh.

this weekend really freaked me out.

i feel like i don't even know who i am right now.

and i'm so, so tired.

so.

here's the thing about drinking.

i like to do it as much as the next person. as a way to relax, a way to think of something else.

after this most recent episode, i've come to realize that drinking no longer provides me the escape i long for. it only opens up my mind to release all that i've been hiding.

in recent times, i never was a crying drunk. those times have changed, and i don't like it.

so, abstaining again.

Pain

I'm scared.

That I've messed everything up. That I will never truly get over all of this.

I'm frightened.

That he was right. That maybe I never really was good enough for anything.

I'm afraid.

That I'm too good at lying to myself. That all my barriers will eventually end me.


I just want to be okay.
Why is that so hard today?
I work and play and laugh and pray,
Why does it feel like a big charade?

I want to know the sun will shine,
to feel a freedom so sublime,
to believe that peace will come in time,
To know that He still claims me, "Mine".

Give me wisdom from whence to know You,
Give me a heart with an understanding view,
Give me forgiveness loving and true,
Help me find comfort in simply, only, You.