snapshots

surreal is the realization that your childhood idol is standing in front of you, with a beer in her hand, chatting with you like you're real friends... because you are.

sadness is the last few moments of an overdue reunion, standing in the parking lot, trying not to cry, stumbling over words that don't even need to be said, wishing with every fiber that you didn't have to leave...but you do.

happiness is sitting on a swinging bed, in the middle of the night, with a person you never thought would last this long in your life...but she has.

pain is seeing a missed call on your cell, realizing who it is from, flashing from panic, to anxiety, to confusion, to concern, hatred, pain... and then settling in hurt.

lonely is looking at the past and realizing it will never be the same....and it wont.

hope is the opportunity standing on the other side of a few days, waving at you, promising a better place...




i hurt. my whole body hurts. i have so much to do, but i don't want to move. because everything hurts.

darkness

I'm laying there in bed, simply reviewing my day ready for sleep.

Then it comes. The panic, the fear.

I'm moving.

I'm leaving.

EEEFFFFFFFFFF...


yeah.

panic.

musing

last day at mellow today. it was fine while it lasted. i'm not upset to be done though. you'd think i'd feel a weird sort of finality about it, seeing as now i'm unemployed till i move to cincy... i don't though...

i have been super depressed this week. i'm talking phone off, in bed, on couch, grumpy, hateful, sad from monday afternoon till thursday night. i don't know why. my therapist thinks its cause i'm repressing all of these emotions about moving, and leaving the fam and all that. she asked me if i thought so, and i told her i have no idea. its repressed right?

all i know is that i can't wait to be where i don't know everyone everywhere. i know i'm gonna probably miss it once i'm gone. but right now, i can't stand it.


"hey laura! how are you? its been a long time!"
"...hey..."

*hug*

"what have you been up too? i miss you so much!!"
"eh, not too much, just working mostly"
"oh, are you in school?"
"nope, just workin, about to move to cincy"
"ohhhh, so you're going to school in cincy"
"actually no, i'm just gonna be working."

*look of judgement*

"really??? why aren't you in school?"
"its kinda a long story, but yeah, i'm excited to move, and start fresh"
"okay... well... make sure you go back okay?"
"okay. i will."
"alright well i'll talk to you later! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!"
"yeah... love you back..."

*hug*




yeah, that happens at least three times a day in Franklin, awesome.


i'm going to see my friend flutter this weekend, i'm really excited about that. and ranger jane came and saw me at work today which was wonderful.

and my jaybug is in town.



in other news, i'm considering deleting my facebook and blog....

we'll see.

irritation

i feel like this blog and myself have both been super whiney and bratty lately.

its stupid, and not fixing anything.

so i'm gonna try to be more cheerful on here...starting.... tomorrow.

blergh

going through my history the past few days has been pretty therapeutic, i must say. though a lot of it has been bittersweet, and even painful with many many regrets.

the hardest one, I think, was a single entry written in a journal in March of 2009. In it, a letter to God. Questioning my relationship with Tave. Outlining all the questions that I still struggle with today. Stating all the facts that caused me to end it. 7. Months. Later. It took me so long. I knew, in March I knew, how bad he was for me. Why did it take me so long?

Well I'll tell you, its that quality in me that so many people "admire", the "best" thing about me. Its that thing I do... did... do, where when I love someone I commit. Fully. Completely.

Isn't it funny how the "best" thing about me, brought about my downfall?

If that was the best, what is the rest?

SEARCH

so I reread my old search letters tonight. not the greatest idea i've ever had. sigh.

they all talk about what a strong, confident, christian woman i am. how i will lead other people in ways that are good and strong. how i will not conform to societies expectations. how mature i am. how much i am loved because of all of these things. how, out of all the youth from st Philip, that i will be tested and come out triumphant.


you know what?

i failed.

i failed myself.

i failed everyone else.






awesome.

To You

I hope you know that I really, truly did love you. I hope you realize that I will not for a long time, if ever, love anyone the way I loved you. I hope you have come to terms with the fact that I never wanted to hurt you. I hope you see that I just couldn't take it. I wasn't strong enough. I hope that you know that deep down, in the depths of my soul, I still believe that, in your own way, you loved me back. And though the way you treated me didn't always reflect that, know that I do remember the good times. And that is what makes it all so hard.

I cannot wait till the day comes that I don't think about you.