This weekend was it. The one year mark.
The mark of the rape.
The last significant one year anniversary for the years of my own personal terrors.
It was a weird weekend. I'd call it an emotional roller coaster, except it was more two sides to the same card. I bounced back and forth between complete emotionless apathetic emptiness and severe anxiety. I was surrounded with wonderful people who desperately wanted to reach me, to make things better, I didn't know what to tell them to do.
I spent a lot of time in reflection over the weekend and the week leading up to it. I have concluded that I am frightened of myself. Again. I am nearly totally inaccessible emotionally. I just don't care. Its a defense mechanism, to be sure, yet it is scary nonetheless. The walls my heart and soul hide behind are monumental. I know that the only way to find peace again is to scale them. Unfortunately, I don't even know how to begin doing that.
I was informed this weekend, that I don't believe in happiness. Yes, someone had the audacity to tell me they know me better than I know myself and that their conclusion is that I don't believe in happiness. For the record: I would just like to take a moment and say "Fuck You" to that person. I don't know what true happiness is and I sure as hell don't know if I'll ever find it, but I know people who have. I've seen it. Maybe they are the lucky few- but I know it exists.
I'd like to reiterate that though I am still processing and working and sorting all of my shit out, I am the happiest I've been in years. Years. I am not settling. I am not just enjoying the ride. A lot of work has gone into the place I am today. And you, my dear, have no way of knowing who I am.
Ranting and Rambling, that's all this blog has become.
but it's so nice to have that place to rant and rave and ramble.
ReplyDeleteand you are so strong and amazing, and i know you'll find happiness some day. how can someone as amazing as you not? it will happen. i have faith.