New Years.

I remember watching the clock tick closer and closer to the New Year. I was in some bar in Oakland, fairly well inebriated, and overcome with the possibility of the worst year of my life coming to a close.

I looked at my best friend and told her I was probably about to cry. Knowing the major emotional breakdowns I am prone to should I consume too much alcohol, she panicked a little pleading with me not to cry.

However, this was different. It was not a major panic attack, some hidden away memories come to haunt me or deeply repressed emotions finally airing their grievances; No, this was joy, relief, gratitude, disbelief.

I never, never thought that I would make it through 2010 alive. I know how over-dramatic that sounds, but let me explain. Physically, yes, I knew that the odds were in my favor to still be breathing at the end of the year. Mentally... I just, I wouldn't have guessed it. The strength with which PTSD took over my life for the majority of this year scares me deeply. It was the worst depression I have ever suffered and something I really didn't see myself getting out of.

But I have.

I am so proud of who I am right now. I know that I am far from perfect or healed or the person I want to be, but compared to where I "should be"- I've come a long way.

To continue this journey into the future I've compiled a list of Plans for the new year. (Technically, I suppose they are the same things as resolutions...but in my mind resolutions often fail whereas plans are more permanent. I know I'm crazy, don't judge.)

1. To lose the 30 pounds I've gained the past two years, by May.
2. To pick a major/create an academic plan including testing out of all Gen Ed.'s
3. To work enough jobs to save money for school and stay out of debt.
4. To become somewhat fluent in Spanish.
5. To continue self-therapy through disciplined writing.
6. To allow myself to grow and learn to accept & embrace who I have become.


The Glenmore Girls have decided that the theme for this year is Embrace. How fitting for the place I am in my life. I just want to keep moving forward.