Days.

These days.

These are the ones that make me wonder and worry. I know, everyone has bad days. But do the bad days have to be so bad?

Empty. Cut off. Tired. Removed. Apathetic.

I find myself pondering terrible things, what ifs and what nots.

I don't like to complain, but damn.

Serious-Relationship-Kinda-Guys

Serious-Relationship-Kinda-Guys (henceforth referred to as srkg)seem to be what I attract. I thought this was unique until a good friend told me this:

La, All guys are SRKG. The only ones that aren't, are the ones who just got out of a Serious Relationship.

...Oh. Well, I guess that is logical. Its just weird feeling like I'm the one filling the traditional "male stereotype" in interactions (the word relationship feels too formal).

I'd imagine that at first glance I seem like an extremely good SRKgirl. Maternal, funny, layed back. Long term. But damn, I'm not right now. I can't right now. I don't have any interest in being that for anyone right now. The idea of being tied down terrifies me. I promised myself I'd never let myself get in a situation where I felt I couldn't walk away again. So SRKG's are terrifying, I can't date-much less marry. HA.

Wow La, you're kinda sad.

Ratios, Percentages, and the Whole Deal.

See, with me, its all about ratios. I could be cliche and say that I strive for balance, but that would mostly be a lie. In certain aspects of my life, yes, I like for things to be balanced. For example: ...well I can't think of anything right now. But I'm sure there are things I like to have balance in. For the most part, however, I am an extremist. Drastic times and drastic measures and all that. I like to be 100% busy. I keep my emotional ratings at 0. I commit to things completely or not at all. I like to think things through before making decisions, but I get bored easily and will make a snap decision before you have time to blink. This applies to all areas of my life. These are my defenses, these keep me going.

If only the Flying Pig were an emotional marathon, I know I could do that. I've been running from my problems for years now. People try to be supportive of me, telling me that I am resilient (my favorite word) and strong. That I'm not running -away- from issues but that I'm running -toward- solutions. I think, occasionally, that is a correct summation. But, for the most part, I'm solidly running away.

I don't know how exactly I got here. I don't know who to blame besides everyone, myself included. I don't exactly know how to get better, mostly because I don't exactly know how to let go. Letting go seems like such a big, vague and scary step. I don't know what my body would do. I've spent so much of my time trying to keep it all together, wouldn't letting it all fall apart kinda be discounting my effort? Plus, who knows what is on the other side of these nice big walls.

I laugh at myself because I often mention situations where 'I felt my walls going up'. What you have to understand is that my walls are many and varied. And just because some of the walls are down, that doesn't mean all of them are. I don't know that I will ever live a life where all of my walls are down. But, at the same time, I don't feel like that is a fair expectation for the world. Who -doesn't- have walls? Mine are just bigger, thicker, more fortified. They never let anyone through, ever. Its not my thing.

I gave someone the option this week of putting their bid in to get to know me better on an emotional level. The first time I've done that in a really long time. Thankfully, they opted out. I say thankfully because I was probably lying to them. I couldn't just promise to open up to someone over time. That is absurd. I don't even open up to me.

The few new people I've really truly opened up to lately, I've been sincerely disappointed in. This probably has nothing to do with them (well maybe a little). It is most likely just me, being me. I've always struggled with having too high of expectations for people. I set them up to be X and they always turn out to be a Y. The pretend pessimist in me claims that I don't do that any more. That I never expect anything from anyone. And, to an extent, this is true. The honest phrase would probably be I rarely trust anyone with even a little bit. It never fails, I am always disappointed in the people I confide in. They don't listen, or pass judgement, or some other nonsense, that leaves me re-wounded, crawling back into the hole I've carved out of one of my walls. Its safe there. Lonely, but safe.

Self-Destruction

Boy meets girl.

Girl meets boy.

Mutual attraction, interest piqued.

Conversations, slow at first, growing to constant consistent exchange.

(What is it about people that makes us want to tell the new interest every little detail about who we are? Is it to fulfill some narcissistic need to be loved?)

Over-exposed, overdone, overwrought, overwhelmed.

Self Destruction.

Set up for failure.

This was fun, sincerely.


But you'll never see me again.

What a Rogh Week

A new song dedication to me courtesy of Ale.

I connect to the verses more than the chorus. Telling, isn't it.

You are More - Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

It has been literal years

since I have been on the verge of tears this often.

It has been 9 months since I've had a break down sober.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Well

At least I'm taking steps to defend myself.

Isn't that good?