See, with me, its all about ratios. I could be cliche and say that I strive for balance, but that would mostly be a lie. In certain aspects of my life, yes, I like for things to be balanced. For example: ...well I can't think of anything right now. But I'm sure there are things I like to have balance in. For the most part, however, I am an extremist. Drastic times and drastic measures and all that. I like to be 100% busy. I keep my emotional ratings at 0. I commit to things completely or not at all. I like to think things through before making decisions, but I get bored easily and will make a snap decision before you have time to blink. This applies to all areas of my life. These are my defenses, these keep me going.
If only the Flying Pig were an emotional marathon, I know I could do that. I've been running from my problems for years now. People try to be supportive of me, telling me that I am resilient (my favorite word) and strong. That I'm not running -away- from issues but that I'm running -toward- solutions. I think, occasionally, that is a correct summation. But, for the most part, I'm solidly running away.
I don't know how exactly I got here. I don't know who to blame besides everyone, myself included. I don't exactly know how to get better, mostly because I don't exactly know how to let go. Letting go seems like such a big, vague and scary step. I don't know what my body would do. I've spent so much of my time trying to keep it all together, wouldn't letting it all fall apart kinda be discounting my effort? Plus, who knows what is on the other side of these nice big walls.
I laugh at myself because I often mention situations where 'I felt my walls going up'. What you have to understand is that my walls are many and varied. And just because some of the walls are down, that doesn't mean all of them are. I don't know that I will ever live a life where all of my walls are down. But, at the same time, I don't feel like that is a fair expectation for the world. Who -doesn't- have walls? Mine are just bigger, thicker, more fortified. They never let anyone through, ever. Its not my thing.
I gave someone the option this week of putting their bid in to get to know me better on an emotional level. The first time I've done that in a really long time. Thankfully, they opted out. I say thankfully because I was probably lying to them. I couldn't just promise to open up to someone over time. That is absurd. I don't even open up to me.
The few new people I've really truly opened up to lately, I've been sincerely disappointed in. This probably has nothing to do with them (well maybe a little). It is most likely just me, being me. I've always struggled with having too high of expectations for people. I set them up to be X and they always turn out to be a Y. The pretend pessimist in me claims that I don't do that any more. That I never expect anything from anyone. And, to an extent, this is true. The honest phrase would probably be I rarely trust anyone with even a little bit. It never fails, I am always disappointed in the people I confide in. They don't listen, or pass judgement, or some other nonsense, that leaves me re-wounded, crawling back into the hole I've carved out of one of my walls. Its safe there. Lonely, but safe.
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