WHO ARE YOU

i feel like i don't even know myself right now

Why can't I just stay happy?


I think I don't feel safe enough to cry. I don't trust myself enough.

Panic.

The hardest is the panic. Its the loss of control. The feeling of chaos. The lack of comfort. It strikes at the most vulnerable moments of my day.

I flashback, I think he's yelling at me when its really nothing, I feel controlled when it is support, I fear commitment when stability is what I long for. I have to fight so hard to not self sabotage. It is instinctual sometimes.

I get so afraid that I can't trust my judgment. I have trust issues with my own happiness. I can't believe that I truly am happy, or content. I think I must be running, repressing, hiding.

Thankful

I have been thinking this morning about the lifestyle I had at Lambuth. Thinking back on it, I can't believe the immaturity, irrationality, and selfishness I displayed while living there. The friends that I had, the people I was surrounded by, and the choices I made were not me: just not my style. I am so thankful that out of something as traumatic as the rape, God shed the terrible environment I was in, and brought me home to a network of hope, love and support. Yes, it sucked to be betrayed by Sara and Chris. But honestly, I didn't need either of those people in my life any more. They were not true friends, they did not look out for my well being, they just used me for my company and good humor.

God is so incredible. Everywhere I turn this week, I see new blessings. Even in my darkest days I see hope, I no longer feel that the darkness within me is untouchable.

I met with a new therapist on Monday. She is fantastic. I'm so excited to work with her and get all of this crap cleared up. The best thing she said to me was at the very end of the session she looked me in the eye and said: "I want you to know that I have great hope for you, Laura. I don't forsee years of therapy ahead of you. I think it will be very difficult, but we can get through this before even a year is out." THAT MAKES ME SO EXCITED.

ugh.

mom.

why didn't we think this one through?

Control.

Fun fact: I have to be in control. At all times. I manipulate and coerce, adjust and restructure until I feel that I have absolute control of a situation. I don't mean to be this way, but I absolutely am. It is the main area I see the most manifestation of change from the rape. If I feel out of control, I panic, I shut down, I break down, I lose it.

This is going to be the hardest thing to let go on, I know it. I have to work on it though, its affecting every aspect of my life.

Gosh, this is hard.

Be Okay

You know what?

I'm allowed to cry.

You wanna know why?

Because I got screwed over by a lot of people I trusted, a lot. Because I have been used, abused, and abandoned. Because I am hurt and I am broken.

You know what else?

I AM going to be okay.

You wanna know why?

Because I have many, many people who truly love me: who honestly want what's best for me, who would give anything to see me feel better. Because I will give myself time to heal. Because I will understand that this will NEVER really go away. Because I will forgive. Because I am Resilient.