Just remembered.

The day after thanksgiving.

High spirits, cough medicine, wine, family, friends.

Acting host, smiling, laughing, talking.

Visual contact- The Ring.

Mental rewind: Didn't I store that far, far away? How is it here? Now?

Frantic scanning.

"Lynde! Is this yours?"

"...No Laura. Tave gave that to you, didn't he?"


Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic.

Decision. Determination.

In an instant I'm outside, next to the woods I've always called my own.

A deep breath of the ice cold air.

A tear quietly slips down my cheek.

My arm winds up, pretending for a moment that I am a professional thrower.

The release.

The silver circle flies, in slow motion, through the air.

I don't see where it falls.

I don't want too.



I want it gone.

I want it all gone.

Update

Its been a while.

Things have been shifting, changing in my life.

Last week was R.O.U.G.H. I had a crazy ridiculous breakdown. I was so stressed, coming off of two weeks of eleven hour days plus the knowledge of the approaching 1 year anniversary of the Rape, plus some other crazy stuff, I just... melted.

Its okay though, I'm much better now. I'm slowly finding my way back. Back to the old Laura, the spiritual, whole, trusting, supported, joyful Laura I remember. But you know what? I think this time, I'm gonna end up better.

ponderings

it seems the more stable I become, the easier it is to forget the worst. but, similarly, its harder to talk about it. I almost cried today, talking about the rape. weird. that hasn't happened for MONTHS. huh.

Beautiful

In the formation of any new friendship there are stages: the introductions,the small talk, the awkward second meetings, the third hangout/beginnings of inside jokes.

And then, at some point, there is a moment.

A pure, beautiful, true moment.

That moment where everything clicks. Where, for some reason, things all make sense. It doesn't matter how you met, what your backgrounds are, or where you're going, all that matters in that moment is that you have a new friend. A real one. Someone whose got your back.

Its a moment of joy. Simple and holy.


Since I have moved to Ohio, I have been richly blessed by a group of people who, collectively, go by the name Poco A Poco. Individually, I have slowly but surely had these moments with people from the group. But tonight may have been the most meaningful and surreal night of my relationships with them.

Where else would a group of mid-twenties young adults be able to sit for upwards of 3 hours just talking about the good in each other?

It was beautiful. We are blessed.

Brave

I am Brave.

I am, I am, I am.

I have a story to tell, and I am slowly learning the way to tell it.

I have made a lot of choices in my life, who hasn't? A lot of good choices, a lot of bad choices. But lately, it seems, they have been good.

I couldn't even begin to tell you when my last bad day was. Do you know how huge that is for me?

I used to have bad days, everyday. I would wake up, and just not be able to get out of bed. Have no motivation to move, much less speak to anyone. And I would just lay there, in a ball, all day, until it was time to sleep again. Sleep was the hardest part though. It rarely came quickly. Fear of nightmares, too much to think about, loneliness, and the fear of who I would be in the morning, kept me awake. All hours of the night.

It was scary, not knowing who I'd be in the morning. I felt crazy. Maybe I'd be dead to the world, maybe I'd be manically and intensely happy, maybe I'd just be a shadow. It was basically a roll of the dice.

But I'm not there anymore.

I feel solid. I feel safe. I know how, and who I'll be in the morning. This doesn't mean that I don't expect to have bad days anymore, I know I will. But maybe, they wont be as bad?

I am so happy. I did so much for myself when I moved here, to Cincinnati. I gave myself permission to believe in Me. To trust Me. That simple and soul-wrenching choice, has totally altered me, my life, who I am.

Everything is falling into place, my life is coming together. I am healing. Really, and truly healing. I never, ever thought I'd say that now, I didn't really believe this day would come.


The tears flowed,
Her soul was cleansed,
A sigh to release the pain of the past,
A dream to lift her heart to the sun.

I will soar,
I will sing,
I will love,
I. Will. Last.

Revelation

So, I went Home this weekend.

It was amazing. The drive wasn't as bad-with a book on tape, the Wedding was beautiful, the bonfire was ridiculously fun, the quality time was priceless. But the best part? The best part was seeing how far I have come.

I felt so different at home this time. Relative to when I was living at home, I just, I feel so different. I mean yeah, this time has not been the easiest but at home I really got a sense of how much I have changed. I feel stronger, I am more confident, happier.

Guess what? I'm winning. :)

The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Itself.

"Really? Great, Now I'm afraid of fear too."

What are we most afraid of admitting about ourselves? What is that thing that we never want to own up too? What things are we hiding from ourselves that are actually holding us back?

Recently, I have been refraining from saying "I have trust issues". Cause, frankly, who doesn't? I don't want to be "that girl". The one that seems like I'm always whining, or trying to garner attention through my issues from my past.

But at Poco tonight, I heard some wise words that went something like this.

"I have trust issues. Not in the, I can't tell you a secret, sort of way. But in the, I don't want to get so involved that any of my emotional well being is wrapped up in you", sort of way. I don't want to care. I don't want to give you any part of me. I don't want to trust you not to hurt me."

That is so true. I can hang out with people, I can talk, joke, laugh, and be the best of everything. But I want them at an arms length.

Yeah, Its lonely. But let me tell you, at least I can rest easy knowing that the only person that has the chance to let me down is me.