Running

I feel like I'm always running from something, without even meaning too.

What do I do with my life?

Do I go to Cinci this summer?
Do I get a new therapist?
Do I focus on the future?
Do I dwell on the past?
How do I even find the past?

I scare myself.

I love Mondays

When I don't crash. I've had a lovely day. I woke up late, got up, made come curried chicken salad, went and tanned/layed out in the back yard with Lynde for a few hours, decided what I'm doing in the fall, worked on getting my HOPE back, and applied for school and my transcript transfers. I know, I was proud too. Now, tonight, I'm going out with WAP. And I'm quite excited because I miss her a lot.

Yesterday was a really good day too. All the cousins were here, and the entire family. It was wonderful. I love Bracey so much. Then we celebrated Landon's birthday and then Scotty and Michael and Courtney and some other guys came over for a bonfire. The weather was beautiful, the company was excellent...

Dear God,
Please don't let me crash this week.

Love,
Laura

sooo...

i'm really good at repressing stuff. i think that's the hardest part of healing for me, especially in the situation with tave. everytime i think i've let go, i've forgiven him for what he did and how he treated me, i remember something about the relationship that just makes me sick. and its hard to process, because i process through talking. but i feel like everyone is tired of hearing about him, and about how bad it was. i'm like a broken record, and the fact that it lasted so long is all my fault.

i don't know what to say today.

i'm happy.

i'm content.

i'm tired.

waiting.

I feel like I'm just spending a lot of time waiting for the future. They say time heals all wounds. I wish it would hurry up and heal mine.

Have I really missed 2 days this week?

Alright, Real legit update time. I took notes and have an outline so be prepared.

1.Therapy

Alright, its official, I'm quitting therapy. Well, at least, I'm quitting my therapist. She just, she's nice and sweet and we get a long. But I manipulate the sessions, I know I do. I'm afraid to actually delve into anything worthwhile, so I manipulate it all. I TOLD her I would do this, and she assured me it wouldn't happen. But it has the last 3 times. So, its just not worth the money. I came to this realization after my session last monday when I didn't even talk to her about anything I ought to have, but then I spent the rest of the day going to talk to Lynde, Courtney, and Anna about the stuff I needed too. Speaking of Anna, wow. What a blessing she has been. It is SO different talking to her than it has been talking to anyone else. She just, She gets it. Easily. Simply. She knows how I'm feeling by the two words I can manage to spit out. Its incredible. What a blessing.

2.Awakening

This past weekend I had a really good one. I felt like a new person. I got my room completely unpacked, I had a wonderful day Sunday, and Monday wasn't as miserable as it usually is. I'm having longer periods of happiness. I don't know if this is really too much of an improvement because the days that I crash, I crash really hard. Like yesterday, I just felt like laying in bed and crying all day, for no reason. But I went to work, and nothing went right. By the time Mom and Dad came by, I was in tears. But I got to sit with them a while and things were better. I'm excited about feeling happier more. Though I'm not really sure if its healing or repression. I have to be careful about that, my skill at repressing is frightening to me.

3.Time Lapse (Work/Home)

Michael asked me the other day how long it has been since the actual rape. It's only been 47 days. That is so much shorter of a time than it feels like. It feels like years, lifetimes have passed. But no, Its just 1.5 months. Work has over all been really good. I like the people I work with and the environment is healthy and supportive. Lyn is the only one there (besides Lynde) who knows about everything. She's a sweetheart. I'm thankful to have the friend. Living at home has been so much easier than I thought it would be. I have my moments when I'm really frustrated about not having my own place, but over all its really really good.

4.Healing

I've decided that I am, in fact, healing. This is hard to explain, but throughout my relationship with Tave and in all the months following up to a few days ago, I seesawed between two states of being. Although, on the surface I could feel shallow emotions in response to events, deeply I either felt completely empty and void of anything or like my heart was slowly dying. Since the rape, the latter of these emotions had been almost constant. Just a deep ache, so resonant it felt like I would feel that forever until my life physically ended, just as my soul's life had. Not a good feeling. A few days ago though, a new feeling entered the mix. It still hurts, but its a different type of pain. Not deathly and horrid, its more positive; like a growing pain, or when you step into the sunlight from the dark and your eyes are painfully blinded, but you know it is for the best. This scares me, and it excites me. I still have my days(yesterday) where I feel empty, but at least there is some change.


There are a lot of things changing in my life, and a lot of them for the better. I'm learning to see the big picture, learning to let go. The hardest part for me is talking about stuff that actually really matters. But I've been practicing. Little steps at a time.

Be patient with Laura. Be patient with Laura. Be patient with Laura.

Everything. Everything I do is Normal.

Healing.

Lord Jesus,
through the power of the Holy Spirit, go back into my memory as I sleep.

Every hurt that has ever been done to me, heal that hurt. Every hurt that I have ever caused another person, heal that hurt.

All the relationships that have been damaged in my whole life that I am not aware of , heal those relationships.

But, O Lord, if there is anything that I need to do, If I need to go to a person because he or she is still suffering from my hand, bring to my awareness that person. I choose to forgive, and I ask to be forgiven.

Remove whatever bitterness may be in my heart, Lord, and fill the empty spaces with your love.

Amen.