goodbye

i'm so scared to be alone.

i'm too scared to give up my solitude.



today was so hard.

the three people i feel the most myself around.

and the only person who was actually there through it all. who actually knows, with out me having to explain, what it was like when he yelled at me. how he tore me to pieces. how he broke me.


they're all gone.

i have one more day with my sister. then she'll be gone too.










therapy tomorrow.

don't. can't. won't,

i feel alone all the time.

but i do it to myself.

i know i do. i get it, i know exactly why i do everything. i have an intrapersonal intelligence. i may be messed up in all areas of my life, but trust me, i know why I do shit.

i'm just too scared, or too messed up, to fix it.


i can't. i won't. i don't.




thanks anyway.


i'm fine.

shaken.

just as i feel like i'm stable.
just as i feel i have real support.
just as i feel like laura, the real laura, is coming back.

i sink.

i fall.

into darkness, confusion, submission.

you are worthless, my demons tell me.

that was your chance, its gone.

plod, plod, plod, plod, plod, forward, onward, miserable oblivion.

'you have hope' she says. 'you will find friends' she says.

i don't, i can't, i wont.

i am too scared.
i am too lost.
i am too unworthy.

what if i try to love them and they fail me?

more importantly...

what if they try to love me, and i fail them?

i did it.

i wore the dress.

the one i wore that night.

i didn't need to burn it.

i didn't need to get wasted.

i didn't need to cry.


i just wore it. and i am okay.

victory.

shocking

it is shocking how much deciding to no longer attend therapy has affected me. i am so much more stable, and *happy*. I think it is mostly because i know i can just push it all away and not have to deal with it again for a very long time if i like. plus, going to therapy gave me too much validation. like, i think it made everything seem like way more of a big deal. and that comes from respecting the opinion of my therapist a little too much, i think.

i'm just laura. a little crazy, a lot broken. but damn well pretending that everything is okay. and committed to pushing through until it all comes together. no belief left in humanity. little hope left in the world. with the knowledge that even she will disappoint herself. just a broken-hearted dreamer, with no song left to sing. but with a soul that wont stop shining, and hope still whispering.

i don't want to go.

don't make me.

where am i?

regression?
progression?

is it possible to do both at the same time?

i'm back to waves. waves of peace, waves of happiness, waves of complete mourning, of hatred, of depression, apathy, joy, anger, loss.

i'm fine.

i'm always fine.