Today

Today should have been the day that I started at MTSU. I cannot say how pleased I am that I did not.

For those of you that have not heard, I will not be returning to school this fall. Instead, I am moving to Ohio later on this month. I chose this path for many reasons. The main one being the fact that I need to get away. I need a fresh start. I am so tired of seeing the same people I've always seen, doing the same things I have always done, being the "same" Laura I have always been, and getting the same results I've always gotten.

It is not that I couldn't have gone back to MTSU. I could have, and I would have done just fine. Really. Yes, I probably would have not been the happiest I've ever been, but that would have been okay. The main reason I did not return to school is the fact that I was going back for the wrong reasons. I was going against my (bad) gut feeling, and sucking it up as some sort of "punishment" for my failure at Lambuth. I was going for the sake of NOT losing my Hope Scholarship. And I was going because it is what is expected. But after much deliberation, soul searching, and many talks with my parents, I decided that nothing, the money, the punishment, or the expectations, was worth risking my emotional well being at this point in my life.

So, for the next year (or however long), I will be spending time figuring out who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go, and how I fit in this big crazy world. I want to spend time just Being. I want to find that girl I remember being. I want to learn to be okay with who I am, how I deal with things. I need to learn to be confident in myself, in the choices I make, and the capabilities to take care of myself. I want to find stability and peace.

I have received so much support in this decision. It is truly incredible. Anytime I have started to feel like a college-drop out-loser, I have been encouraged by someone who finds the time to tell me they think I'm brave, or a reassuring hug from a friend.



Though I am more confident with this decision than I have been in a long time, I still struggle daily with my roller-coaster emotions. It is so bizarre to be in my head sometimes. Today alone I have felt severe guilt for hurting Tave by breaking up with him so suddenly, I have cried over the lost friendship with Sara, and I have wished sincerely that I would have made it/continued on at Lambuth. I have hated myself for the choices I made that allowed him to rape me, rejoiced in the solitude, and panicked at the sound of a cat scampering across the floor. I wish so deeply that I could control the range of my emotions. I am so exhausted all the time with all of the things going on in my head.

I feel myself pulling away from a lot of people. Especially people who stood by me during the past year. I don't know why. My therapist says its from the need to get away from things that remind me of the past, and maybe that is true. I don't want to be around people who treat me like I'm fragile, like I am going to need them to make it through the day. I am feeling stronger, more independent. More pigheaded (ha). I will make it. Won't I?

Won't I?

WON'T I?!